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Thread: ⚠ the 1337-year war ⚠

  1. #1

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    Default ⚠ the 1337-year war ⚠

    ⚠ the 1337-year war

    a crossover work

    table of contents
    an idea

    Last edited by W32Coravint; 03-28-18 at 09:23 AM.

  2. #2

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    Spoiler:
    Fandoms: Pokmon, Vocaloid, [email protected] Cinderella Girls, [email protected] Million Live, [email protected] Side:
    Notes: This is just an idea I had. The full story might not incorporate this into the storyline. OR WILL IT?


    an idea

    14 December 2021
    “Megumi-san, where are we going?” Miyoshi Sana asks, her eyes fixated on the portable game console in the seat pocket in front of her.

    “I don’t actually know. All we have is the route given by Command. If you really want, I can give you the raw coordinates,” Tokoro Megumi replies.

    “That won’t help,” she complains. “Can I at least pass the time on my 3DS?”

    “No, we need to be on guard for whatever comes up. You know that, right?”

    “Come on, we have an important mission,” Iseya Shiki says from the back. “I’m mega bored as well, ya know?” He turns back to the camera feeds that replaced the windows for fear of “secrets being leaked”, staring at the seemingly endless desert that they’re traversing. A Gothorita sits next to him, her monochrome form fiddling with her soft ribbon-like appendages.

    “I know, but that doesn’t make it any less boring,” Sana complains.

    “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re out of monitored territory, and that means we need to be on guard at all times,” Megumi replies matter-of-factly. She takes the time to stroke the Growlithe in her lap, who perks up suddenly.

    “It’s standard protocol, yeah?” Shiki pauses, before noticing something. “Enemy incoming on the radar!”

    “Inform the other groups,” Megumi responds almost instinctively.

    “On it!”

    Five minutes later, the armored van stops and the doors slide open, with its five occupants ready to engage the enemy. The first thing they notice is the massive tortoise with a large tree growing out of its back, from which the barrels of several rifles protrude.

    “What the hell is that thing?” Megumi asks under her breath.

    “I have no idea,” Shiki replies, “but it’s probably trying to kill us. Gothorita, Protect!”

    Gothorita puts up a glowing pink shield in front of the group just as the bullets start coming.

    Megumi isn’t waiting, though. “Run up and set the tree on fire with Flamethrower,” she orders her Growlithe. With a cry, it dashes out in front of the shield, jumping from side to side while approaching its foe before unleashing an inferno upon the giant tortoise Pokmon. Aiming its jet of orange flame at the tree on the tortoise’s back, which quickly catches fire as well, Growlithe makes a full 180-degree turn around the tree before running back to its owner. Several identical-looking snipers fall out of the tree, their clothes having caught on fire.

    “What’s that thing called?” Shiki asks his gamer companion. She’s spent at least 6,500 hours on Pokmon battling simulators, or so she claimed, so she would probably be able to identify it.

    “It’s a Torterra,” she replies.

    The pink psychic shield slowly fades and Gothorita looks up at her trainer. “Quick, behind cover!” the boy shouts, diving to the side.

    Another armored van pulls up. The twin operatives, Mazaka Anon and Kanon, and two Reuniclus nicknamed Sera and Mikaru, jump (or, in the case of the Pokmon, float) out.

    “We’re here! Sera, Ice Punch! Mikaru, Telekinesis!”

    Mikaru concentrates and slowly raises the gargantuan tortoise’s weight off the ground, while Sera’s jelly-like arm hardens into a solid, sub-zero clump which he drives into the Torterra’s underbelly.

    “Torterra down!” Shiki shouts.

    “Looks like that was just the beginning,” Megumi remarks. She looks at her radar to see eleven individual enemy-tagged Pokmon zeroing in on their location from above and another fifty coming in on land. “Tons of enemies coming in. We’re screwed.”

    “Not quite,” Shiki replies. “Quick, get in the van. Anon, Kanon, have your Reuniclus lift all of us up!”

    “On it! Sera, Mikaru, Telekinesis again on the van! Wait till we get in!”

    The two Reuniclus quickly move into position to start lifting the van upward, and just as everyone enters and the door shuts, the van floats skyward. There’s a sudden jerk with no explicable source - that is, until a look at the roof cameras reveals that a Braviary has intercepted their vehicle.

    “Shit! Mikaru, hit it with a Flash Cannon!” Kanon shouts. “Sera, hold us up so we don’t fall once it stops!”

    There’s another sudden jerk as the attack hits, and yet another in the opposite direction as the Braviary throws the van towards the ground. Sera tries his best to keep the van from falling, but all the lifting has tired him out, and the van crashes into the ground right between enemy lines. The sounds of shouting can be heard from outside the vehicle.

    Megumi hears a trainer shout something, and she’s about to formulate a plan when suddenly the claw of an Aggron crashes through the door, pulls it open, and reaches inside. Shiki fumbles for the handle of the other door, but as he does so the door is torn off entirely by an Emboar, who also begins to reach for the occupants of the van. One by one, they're pulled out of the van.

    Soon enough, they’re each tied to the back of a Crustle, being carried across the endless desert to who knows where. Although Kanon, Sana and Shiki had gotten minor burns from the Emboar’s body heat and the Aggron was strong enough to crush Megumi’s right leg from the knee down, they were being healed by a troop of Audino accompanying the makeshift transportation.

    Four hours later, the Crustle stop moving outside a massive building in the middle of the desert and their hostages are untied by several workers. “Follow me, all of you, or you ain’t gonna live long,” says a man wearing a black suit, with an circular patch bearing an insignia consisting of a decagon inscribed within a circle.

    Despite all their training, the five have not previously been prepared for this type of situation, and thus they follow the man in the black suit through the labyrinthine corridors of the building, until they reach a room labeled “CLEANSER”. They’re shoved through the open doorway...

    And that’s the last memory they can form before they're erased from this timeline.

    cash attempt
    ~5800 characters
    Last edited by W32Coravint; 03-28-18 at 09:26 AM.

  3. #3
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    Introduction

    Travel is a great way to open a story. Unless youre stuck living on a post-apocalyptic train travel implies change, new opportunities, and even fresh starts. The actual act of travelling may not always be thrilling, and you show that at least some of the characters are so used to travel that even exploring new places has become routine and boring.

    We could use a little more detail about the situation though. You explain the windows are gone, replaced with cameras and viewscreens, but it takes a while before you tell us theyre in an armored van. We dont know anything about the desert surrounding them, and as someone who lives in one there is a lot of variety. Are they off-road and traversing sand dunes? Following a winding hard-packed dirt road towards Kashmir? Or even using a well-maintained highway with no amenities around? You give us two names for all the characters, but then we have to try and sort through attributions to find out who is who. For someone familiar with that universe, they already know the characters to work with and using established characters can be great for that exact reason but you also need to put some work into describing them for unfamiliar readers.

    Theres also no visual description of what these characters look like, which makes it hard to visualize the scenes. You do better with Gothorita and Torterra, giving us a smidge of what their forms look like, but you should try and work in at least a little more imagery on all the characters in a story.

    Especially in a shorter work, youll also want to avoid dumping all your main characters on the reader at once; give us a chance to meet one and determine who will be the main character. Is it the impatient, childish Sana? The aloof driver Megumi? The self-important Shiki? The reader needs someone to root for and identify with as their avatar in the world. Its generally best to put them as the first person we come across, or if youre delaying their introduction, make it clear they are supposed to be the protagonist when they enter.

    Action

    Ambush! A great way to throw your characters into trouble over their heads. Everyone piles out and opens a can of angry beatings on the foe that they found. Bait taken, the rest of the ambushers surround and capture our heroes. The battle is short but furious, and its easy for me to visualize an Aggron tearing a van to pieces (also fun!) and you do describe some of the attacks and their effects.

    Once captured, our heroes are hauled for hours across this featureless desert. Now that the action has slowed down, its a good point to insert more description do all their captors march in silence? Do some of them gripe about the miserable environment, or do they have spiffy environmental bodysuits that means theyre at a perfectly comfortable temperature? Burns can be miserable, and I cant even imagine having part of my leg crushed by a giant steelyboi, so give that a little more flavor as well. Dont necessarily focus on the gore, but do give us an idea of the agony these characters are now suffering.

    Finally, they reach their captors base, or at least an outpost of some sort. Theyre herded into captivity, moving through these confusing corridors, and finally shoved through a doorway and are reduced to oblivion. Wait, what? Thats a very abrupt end for these characters that weve watched struggle, be overcome, and suffer. If you are writing a tragedy about inevitable doom, you need to plant hints of that from the beginning of the story. If theyre not actually erased from existence you may want to describe it differently. Are they simply being wiped and brainwashed? Are they part of a multi-dimensional echo and having their alternities wiped one by one? Give the reader hints that the story didnt just waste their time, because otherwise it can be very frustrating and readers wont want to give your future stories/ chapters a chance.

    World

    I can tell you have hints of a broader world scattered throughout the story. However, as someone unfamiliar with those fandoms, they dont seem to do anything except hint at a larger world.

    the camera feeds that replaced the windows for fear of secrets being leaked,
    Several identical-looking snipers fall out of the tree, their clothes having caught on fire
    eleven individual enemy-tagged Pokmon
    an circular patch bearing an insignia consisting of a decagon inscribed within a circle
    Detail is important to a story, but its also important to have that detail mean something. Which sides secrets? Are the snipers clones, or just wearing the same outfits? Do all Pokemon have trackers or is it just really smart radar with IFF built in? And is everyone wearing this patch or is it a symbol of the tour guides rank? Its also possible to go overboard, so unless you mean to leave a question open for later parts in a series, its best to give us the short answers to these kinds of questions as soon as you can.

    Grammar

    Grammar and spelling are great in the story. All the dialogue closes with punctuation inside the quotation marks, proper names are capitalized, no spelling errors that I noticed. You do have a couple of overly specific numbers called out, and this seemed the best section to address them:

    Growlithe makes a full 180-degree turn around the tree before running back to its owner.
    Making a full circle would be 360 degrees, so you may be better served just saying it ran all the way around.

    Shes spent at least 6,500 hours on Pokmon battling simulators
    Unless the specific number is relevant youre better off using several thousand in a case like this. Also, that totals up to 270 sleepless days of sim time do they have some kind of time compressor or has she spent every waking moment for a year doing these battles? If so, why?

    Verdict

    As a cash story, I will say this passes at Simple rank, for 5k. The characterization makes up a little for the lack of description in your heroes, and the flow of the battle/ description of attacks made up for a fairly bland setting. If you want to retry for a higher mark, tell more about what these people, places, and things look like, show us a bit more of what this crossover world has to offer, and see if the ending can be a little more clear as to why we started to care about these characters.
    Resurrected stats (still under renovation!):
    http://forums.petalburgwoods.com/sho...3-Evan-s-Stats

  4. #4

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    After several weeks of thinking while waiting for my grade, I've decided that this plotline is actually trash and I'm going to scrap it in favor of a different plotline. Claiming my 5k anyway, but I'm not gonna rewrite this - I've got a new plot to flesh out.

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