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Thread: Koalaty Check

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    Default Koalaty Check

    A small pale gray koala rested on a mattress. His small body was curled up with his arms wrapped around a log. He clung to the log in his arms, snuggling with it as he slept. Said log had a single twig sticking out of it, and a bright green leaf was at the end of that twig. Neither the twig nor the leaf appeared to be harmed, and the koala took care to not damage it as he slept peacefully on the mattress.

    Surrounding the mattress that he rested on were several other mattresses. The Komala was the only one in this particular room, but several mattresses were on the floor around him and throughout the room, propped up only by metal black bed frames that shone in the dim lights of the large room. There was enough space in between the mattresses for a Machamp to comfortably fit between them and move around with no problems, and there was enough light in the room for anyone who came in to see, yet enough that someone could rest peacefully if they chose to do so. Many of the mattresses were white, but some were a pale blue or cream. The one that Komala rested on currently was a white mattress.

    The Komala stretched as he rolled over, beady black eyes slowly opening as he forced himself into a seated position. Not once did he let go of the log in his hand, even while he stretched and sat up, though he took care to not damage the twig and leaf on it. He rolled out of the bed, stumbling as he made the short drop from the bed to the cold, hard floor, and walked to the end of it, rubbing his eyes with his paw as he walked. At the end of the mattress, and at the end of every mattress in the room, was a small table with a single sheet of paper, two ink pads, one green and one red, a small bowl of water, and a white towel.

    The Komala pressed a paw on the green ink pad and then pressed it on the sheet of paper next to the pad. When he lifted his paw, a single green paw print was left on the sheet of paper. It was a little smudged, likely because Komala was still a little tired and dragged his paw a little across the paper as he lifted it up, but it was very clearly the paw print of a Komala. He dipped his paw in the water, and the water turned green as he moved his paw around in the water, pressing it on the sides of the plastic bowl and watching as the ink washed off of Komala’s paw. He took his paw out of the water and started to dab it on the towel, and as he dabbed it on the towel, spots of a faded shade of green appeared on it. He took extra care to ensure that all of the ink was off, even setting his log down on the ground to use his other paw to help dry the wet one and ensure that both paws were dry and clear of ink before continuing with his work.

    With his paw clean and dry, he put the now green and white towel back on the table, and he moved over to the next mattress, climbed onto it, and took a few minutes to get back into a comfortable position before falling back asleep on the next mattress, which was another white one.

    This was the Komala’s job. He simply tested mattresses for their quality and to see if they met the company’s standards, which were simply that if a Komala was comfortable enough to sleep well on it, a human would be too. It was a standard that worked well for the company over the thirty years they’d been in business, so it was a standard they kept. After all, why fix what wasn’t broken? The mattresses had to be just right for the Komala to put his Koalaty Check Seal of Approval on it. If it was too firm or too soft, it would be rejected, and the mattress would have to be remanufactured until it passed the Koalaty Check. Sometimes, on rare occasions, it would take multiple tries to get a mattress to pass a Koalaty Check, especially if the company was trying a new way to manufacture a mattress. Most of the time though, they used the same formula for their mattresses, and the Komala would pass them on the first try. If they were sent back, it would only be sent back once, and on the next test, the Komala would pass it.

    Mattresses weren’t the only things that got Koalaty Check Seals of Approval on them. The company, Koalaty Cares, also tested sleep aids and pillows, though there were different Komala that tested those products. Humans also tested the products, but usually if they were good enough for the Komala, they were good enough for the humans. The humans just ensured that there was nothing wrong with the products before they were shipped to the individual stores for sale. None of their products had been recalled before, and they didn’t intend to start getting products recalled. Their system worked, and as long as it worked and no recalls happened, their system would not change.

    There was a process with Koalaty Cares. They would have humans manufacture the mattresses, sleep aids, and pillows. The mattresses would be taken to a couple large rooms, the sleep aids would be taken to another large room, and the pillows would be in a fourth large room. There, Komala would test the products to ensure that they were up to Koalaty Cares standards. No one knew that Komala were used to test the sleep aids, only the mattresses and pillows, but that was a little secret that Koalaty Cares kept to themselves. It was a little secret that no one outside of the company needed to know about.

    If the products got green stamps of approval, they would go to the humans for one final check before being shipped away to the stores for sale. If they got red stamps of rejection, they would be sent back to manufacturing to be fixed until they met the standards of the Komala. Because the sleep aids were the most concerning for the Komala to check, they always got green stamps of approval; though Koalaty Cares had relatively poor morals, they at least had enough morals in them to not repeatedly make the Komala constantly check the sleep aids. Products that were cleared for shipment would be taken out to the trucks each night by Machamp, and the trucks would deliver them to the individual stores to be unloaded into their storerooms and then sold the next day.

    On one stormy evening, the Komala in charge of sleep testing the mattresses fell asleep on one of the mattresses that already had a green stamp of approval on it. During the day, only one mattress was sleep tested at a time by one Komala. The other two Komala would test two other mattresses at night while they slept to prepare for the next day’s work, and if those two Komala approved of the mattresses they slept on, they would give them green stamps of approval before going back to work the next morning. If those two Komala didn’t approve of their mattresses, then they would give red stamps of rejection and go back to work. The process was the same, it was just a little more expedited at night because there were two more Komala helping with sleep testing the mattresses.

    Also on this stormy evening, several Machamp were loading up mattresses that had the green stamps of approval on them to be taken to a store. They picked up the mattress, this one a blue one as he’d moved again over the course of the evening, that Komala was on and loaded it up on the truck. They did nothing to remove the resting Komala from the mattress; they were always told not to disturb the Komala on the mattress, even if it had a green stamp of approval on it. If the Komala were disturbed while they slept, it could cause them to put rejection stamps on the mattresses and send them back to be remanufactured unnecessarily. It was something Koalaty Cares had to learn the hard way, and so they had to train the Machamp to not disturb the Komala while they slept.

    And thus, the Komala slept through the rest of the loading of mattresses. He slept through the slamming of the truck doors when the Machamp were done loading mattresses onto the truck, and he slept through the echoes of truck doors slamming from other trucks around him. He slept through the bumpy trip to the store, where some mattresses fell over, not onto the Komala but almost, as if they were making a tent over him with enough space for air to come through. He slept through the unloading of the mattresses. It was almost as if nothing could wake this Komala, though it was certain that he was still alive as his fluffy chest rose and fell with each breath he took in his slumber.

    “Oh?” a young woman said as she walked by the mattress that Komala was on. It was the next morning by the time someone noticed the Komala on the mattress. The young woman was checking the stock in the back, as she always did in the morning when she came into work to ensure that the correct amount of product was delivered overnight, when she saw the Komala just starting to wake up on the mattress. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be here…”

    “Komala?” the Pokemon yawned, stretching his arms and maintaining a grip on his log. Surprisingly, his log didn’t see any damage on the way to the store, not even the single twig and leaf that stuck out from one end of the log. He blinked a few times, then looked around the room. There were mattresses all around him, but this wasn’t his typical environment. The mattresses were standing up on their sides along the walls, waiting to be taken out into the store for everyone to see and eventually purchase, not resting on metal black flames that shone in the dim light.

    “Why are you here?” she asked. Her name tag read Elizabeth, and her blonde locks were tied up into a ponytail.

    “Mala,” Komala said with a shrug.

    “Well, I guess I’ll just have to let our manager know when he gets here,” Elizabeth said. “I guess you can come with me out into the main store. I don’t really know how to deal with this, to be honest… I was never trained on this, but I can’t just leave you back here. Pretty sure I’m not supposed to take you out into the main store either, but I don’t know what else to do and the manager won’t be here till around lunch...”

    Komala shrugged again, but he rolled off the bed and followed Elizabeth into the showroom, where several beds were set up with the mattresses Komala likely Koalaty Checked before they were brought here. Elizabeth walked to the front of the store to turn the neon blue open sign on and unlock the front door. There were no customers outside yet, but she still had to go through the motions of opening the business for the day.

    Wherever Elizabeth went, Komala went too. He followed her around the store throughout the day, even as she went to deal with customers, though there were times where he would go and hide under the counter, as if the environment he was in was a little too overwhelming for him at times, but he would still come out and greet customers. He clung to Elizabeth though, as if he found some sort of comfort in her presence. Those who did come in were happy to see the Komala, and everyone that came in actually left having purchased a new mattress. With each mattress sold, the smile on Elizabeth’s face grew bigger and bigger.

    She was taking a lunch break when her manager walked into the store. Komala was hidden under the counter, chowing down on some PokeKibble and vegetable and meat droppings covered in mayo from Elizabeth’s turkey and roast beef sandwich; said droppings had a little bit of dust on them, but that didn’t bother the Komala as he ate them anyways without a care in the world. A glass jar with PokeTreats was placed on the counter, and a sheet of paper that said “Take One” in black marker was taped on it. Said jar was about half full of treats of varying shapes and sizes.

    “Afternoon, Elizabeth,” the manager said as he approached the counter. His voice was monotone as he spoke, and Elizabeth was sure that there was a hint of sarcasm in his voice as he continued to speak. “Good to know you’ve had time for a lunch break.”

    “Same,” she said. “There’s actually been a good amount of business today, sir.”

    The manager paused on his way back to the office. He turned to look at her, tilting his head slightly to the right. “Business? What do you mean business?”

    “We’ve had customers coming into the store today, sir,” Elizabeth replied. “And they’ve bought stuff.”

    “What?” he asked. His green eyes scanned the store, finally noticing the missing mattresses from along the walls inside.

    By this point, the Komala poked his head out from under the table. He heard the commotion and was curious about what was happening, yet he was a little confused as Elizabeth hadn’t moved from her position from behind the counter and gave her usual speech to customers that came into the store. In the short time he’d been there, he’d already gathered when customers were coming in and out of the store as he noticed Elizabeth sounded much more cheerful and got up from behind the counter to move around the store; she wasn’t doing that right now, she remained seated. Elizabeth was about to speak, but the manager caught sight of the koala and jumped.

    “What… what is that? And… and why is it here?” he breathed, a slightly trembling, tanned finger pointing to the Komala, who pulled his little gray body and his log out from under the table to stand in front of Elizabeth. The twig was still there on the log, but the single leaf on there was a little bent from Komala’s adventures. The leaf still hung onto the twig though, and that was all that mattered for the little green leaf that was starting to fade from a lack of sunlight.

    “Oh, this little guy?” she asked as she noticed the Komala from the corner of her brown eyes. Elizabeth looked down at the Komala and took a moment to rub the koala’s head before replying to her boss. “It’s a Komala. I’m not really sure what happened, but he was here with the new shipment this morning. I figured I’d wait for you to get here to see what to do about it, but I couldn’t just leave him back there. He hasn’t done anything wrong though, he’s just been following me around all day.”

    The manager groaned. “He’s probably from the manufacturer. One of those Komala that does the Koalaty Checks for all of our mattresses or our pillows, not really sure which, they all have those silly little stamps on them that say they’ve been approved by Komala.”

    “Komala!” the Pokemon chimed in, nodding his fluffy head. Though his voice may have seemed excited from the words he spoke, his body didn’t reflect that excitement. It was almost as if it was a forced excitement, as if he wasn’t truly happy about something.

    “Well, to be honest, he’s been helping with sales,” Elizabeth said. “Like I said, he’s been following me around all day, and customers have seen him and they’ve been buying the mattresses, sleep aids, and pillows from us. I don’t know why having him here is making things different, but it is. Sales have been going up because of him. Everyone that’s come in has bought something and said how happy they were to see Komala.”

    “Well, we can’t keep him here, Elizabeth. He’s not ours,” the manager replied, moving to step into his office. “I’ll call the manufacturer and see how they want us to return him. He’s their Komala, and he should be returned to his home.”

    “Komala…” the Pokemon said softly, moving to hide back underneath the table and shaking his head as he did so. His beady black eyes shone in the light, but he ducked his head before anyone could see the emotion on his face.

    “Sir, with all due respect, our store is failing,” Elizabeth said as soon as she noticed Komala slip back under the table. “Komala’s clearly helping. Why don’t we keep him around for a few days and see what happens? I’ll even take care of him and make sure he’s fed and stuff! I doubt the manufacturer has even noticed he’s missing, and even if they have, they probably have other Komala that they can use to replace him.”

    “He’s not our Komala. It doesn’t matter if they have other Komala to replace him or not, we can’t just keep him,” the manager said. “And that’s final.”

    He slammed the door to his office shut before Elizabeth could get another word out. She and Komala flinched at the sudden sound, and with a sigh of defeat, they went back to their lunch. There was no arguing with her manager, not now anyways. All she could do was hope that he would see how much having Komala around would help business and keep their failing store from having to close their doors.

    Closing time came around, and while customers continued to come in between Elizabeth and Komala’s lunch break and the store’s closing, the manager remained in his office, as he usually did since business was typically so slow to the point where Elizabeth could handle things on her own without the manager’s help. Today was no different from any other day. Though sales were up from a typical day at the store, the manager saw no reason to leave his office, and Elizabeth was fine with that. She could handle things on her own. Mattress sales, as well as sleep aid and pillow sales, continued, and some customers even commented on how cute the Komala was and how it was nice to actually see the Pokemon that was the namesake for the Koalaty Checks. The manager came out of his office after the door was locked and the open sign was off, as he usually did to ensure that everything was closed up properly before he and Elizabeth left for the night.

    “They didn’t even know the Komala got out. Apparently this is the first time this has ever happened. Usually the Machamp are supposed to leave the mattresses that Komala are on until the next night, even if they’ve been given the stamp of approval, but I guess these Machamp didn’t listen,” he said. “They told us to bring him back after closing though.”

    “But he’s been helping with sales, sir! Every customer that’s come in today has bought a mattress!” Elizabeth said. She felt the Komala grab onto her leg, and she could feel him trembling as he held onto her with a single paw. “And I don’t think he wants to go back! I don’t think he likes it there! He likes it here!”

    The manager gave a small frown, but he walked over to the register. There was clacking as his fingers ran across the keyboard and pressed buttons on said keyboard, and as his green eyes scanned the screen when the day’s sales popped up on the screen, they lit up. His jaw dropped.

    “Ko… Komala’s been helping do all of this?” he asked.

    “Yes!” she replied. “Customers have even said how cute he is and how happy they are to see the namesake for Koalaty Checks on the mattresses!”

    The manager shut the computer down for the night, performing the motions of doing so much slower than usual. When he was finally done, he looked at the Komala hiding behind his employee. He was still trembling, and he had one fluffy gray arm wrapped around Elizabeth’s leg and the other wrapped around his log. They locked eyes.

    “Excuse me for a moment,” he finally said. He slipped away back into his office, and when he returned moments later, he was smiling. “I told the manufacturer what was happening with the Komala, and they said we could keep him.”

    “Really?” Elizabeth asked. Even Komala started to perk up at the news.

    “Yes, really,” he replied. The monotone and sarcasm was gone from his voice as he spoke. “They would rather us keep him so our sales go up instead of us returning him and allowing our store to continue failing like it has been. We’re at risk of being forced to shut down as it is, so they’re letting us use Komala as a last attempt to save the store. And they have other Komala they can use to take his place at the factory.”

    “Komala!” the koala cheered, tossing his log into the air and catching it. Elizabeth smiled and ran up to hug her boss. Even Komala came in to join in on the love.

    “This is great!” she said after letting him go. “Things will finally pick up here!”

    Her manager nodded, a little bit of a smile forming on his lips. “But you’re in charge of him. You said earlier you were willing to take care of him, so I’m holding you to that. I’ll help while he’s here, of course, but you’ll be the one to make sure he stays safe and gets fed. I think he’s taken a liking to you anyways.”

    “Of course!” Elizabeth said. “I’ll take good care of him!”

    They parted ways for the night shortly after the manager verified that everything was closed up properly. The manager went to his home, and Elizabeth took Komala to her home, going separate ways to get there as the manager’s home was to the east and Elizabeth’s was to the west.

    Before the pair went home though, they made a stop at the PokeMart on the way to Elizabeth’s home to pick up some supplies for Komala. It was a brief stop as Elizabeth was only picking up supplies for Komala for his life at her apartment and his life at the store. They kept a small bag of PokeKibble in the store in case any stray Pokemon came by looking for a meal and they kept a jar of treats on the counter for any potential buyers that brought their Pokemon in with them, but now that they had Komala in their care, they would need more than just a small bag of PokeKibble and treats to keep him satisfied for the hours that Elizabeth was at the mattress store. Normally her trips to the store were much longer as she picked up enough supplies to get her through a couple weeks, and in some cases, supplies to get her through a whole month.

    On their way to the PokeMart, Komala kept his eyes glued to the passenger side window. He looked at all the sights that Elizabeth passed by on her way to the PokeMart from her work. He was awed by all of them. They went into the PokeMart, and Komala was awed by everything inside too. They left, and even as they drove to Elizabeth’s apartment, his eyes were fixated on the passenger side window. Everywhere they went, everywhere they drove by, Komala took in the sights and sounds around him, as if all of this was so new and foreign to him, despite being in his native region. For probably the first time in his life, or at least the first time he could remember, he was seeing the Alola region, and Elizabeth could see the happiness and excitement in his beady black eyes.

    But that happiness and excitement also left her wondering. Did they ever let the Komala out? Did they just keep them inside the whole time? She felt like they did. It was the only logical explanation she had for why he was so awed by everything he saw and everywhere they went. It was as if he had never seen any of it before, and if he had, it had been so long since he’d last seen it that he just couldn’t remember any of it anymore. She was happy for the Komala though; he was free from that dreadful place that he clearly didn’t enjoy, as she’d gathered from the way he went back under the desk when her manager told her he was going to call the manufacturer to see how to return him and the way he clung to her leg and trembled when her manager told her that they’d have to return him once they were done closing the store. He was free, and he would never have to go back to that dreadful place again.

    She unlocked the door to her apartment, and Komala rushed in. He wandered around, exploring everything he possibly could. He sat on the couch to make sure it was comfortable enough for him (it was), he checked the cabinets to see if there was anything interesting in them (there wasn’t, but Elizabeth chided him for going into them because there were items in there not for Pokemon), and he checked the bed in her room to see if it was up to Komala standards (it was, but it was also a bed from Koalaty Mattresses and More as Elizabeth got an employee discount on items in the store).

    Elizabeth kept a close eye on him as she got her apartment Komala ready, making sure that he didn’t get into anything he wasn’t supposed to. She didn’t quite expect to be bringing a Komala, or any Pokemon for that matter, home today, so she found herself working to make sure Komala would be comfortable immediately instead of taking the several days or weeks she normally would’ve taken to do so. Anything that he wasn’t supposed to get into that he tried to get into, Elizabeth went and locked it up or moved the objects in question to somewhere that Komala wouldn’t be able to reach. She put a box with some litter in the bathroom (that Komala pawed at when he first saw it, but he quickly became disinterested in it), and she put his food and water bowl in the living room near the dining table she had. It was a dining table she never really used, but she had it in case she needed space to sit and do some work or if she had friends or family over. Knowing Komala, he would likely join her on or near the couch, watching TV together, while they ate, but if he got the munchies while they weren’t eating full meals or if he was thirsty, the food and water was there for him to have if he wanted it.

    When they went to bed, he slept at the middle of her bed, taking care to give her enough space to move around and not smother him and also leave enough space so that no harm would come to his precious log. It was awkward at first. Both were used to having the whole bed to themselves, so it was a little bit of an adjustment getting used to sharing the bed with someone else. They made it work though, after a little while of moving around and finding a position that was comfortable for them, and so they both got a good night’s sleep on their first night together.

    At work, the next day, Elizabeth set up his food and water bowl under the table where he ate at the previous day. She noticed that he seemed to enjoy hiding there when he wanted to get away from the commotion of the mattress shop, and he enjoyed eating there as that was where Elizabeth ate during her lunch break. He could get the droppings from her own food and his own PokeKibble, so for Komala, it was like the best of both worlds under the table. It worked as a hiding place when he wanted to get away from the commotion of the shop, and it was a nice place to eat. The floor wasn’t too comfortable, even though it was carpeted, but Elizabeth made a little note to herself to get Komala a nice little bed for him to rest in under the table so he wouldn’t have to relax on the hard floor. Elizabeth would know just how uncomfortable the carpet was; she’d laid on it a few times before in the past on days where she was exhausted or just completely bored out of her mind in the store when business was slow, and it was never comfortable for her. If it wasn’t comfortable for her, it likely wouldn’t be comfortable for a Komala hiding under the table.

    He came out when customers were out though, even if it was only for a few minutes and assuming he wasn’t already resting on one of the mattresses, and with each customer that came in and saw him, they were awed by the little koala. They bought mattresses. Sales continued to go up. Komala got the little bed underneath the counter after a couple days of being there, and he was much more comfortable once he got it.

    The manager and Elizabeth were happy to see business finally improving. More and more customers came in each day, and for the first time in years, their store was actually packed with people to the point where the manager had to hire two new employees, a young brunette man named Lucas and another young redhead female named Veronica, to help with the demand their store saw; even Komala was excited to meet and work with Lucas and Veronica, though he never went home with either of them as he was Elizabeth’s responsibility and not Lucas’ or Veronica’s. Plus, Komala still stuck by Elizabeth’s side most of the time. Over time, he managed to gravitate away from her and clung to her less and less, and he came out of from under the counter more and stayed out for longer periods of time before he went back to hiding under the counter again.

    The manufacturer had to send them even more product to keep up with the demand, and they were making two deliveries, sometimes three deliveries, a week because of it, which was up from the one delivery they got every other week, if they were lucky.

    Other mattress stores heard about how Komala was boosting sales at one store, so they started trials to see if Komala would boost sales at other stores in the Alola region. It did. Sales around the region were starting to pick up to the point where they sent Komala to Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos to boost sales in those regions. Having Komala in those regions boosted sales even more, likely because Komala weren’t native to that region and people were drawn to the store because they got to see a new Pokemon they’d never seen before and wouldn’t see unless they traveled to Komala’s native Alola region.

    The Machamp responsible for all of this in the first place were at first reprimanded when Koalaty Cares first found out about what happened with the first Komala. Their pay was meant to be docked for several weeks. After Koalaty Cares saw how the sales skyrocketed over a couple months because of the one Komala that got out, they stopped docking the pay of the Machamp responsible and even gave them back pay for the several weeks of funds they missed out on because they were being docked at the time and a bonus for their unintentionally innovative idea. Other Machamp were jealous of what happened, and some were a little annoyed that they had to go through training again to learn which mattresses they could take (the ones without Komala on them or the ones with green stamps of approval) and which mattresses they couldn’t take (the ones with Komala on them or the ones with red stamps of rejection) again, but they all got over it after a couple weeks.

    Things were looking up for Koalaty Mattresses and More around the world, but most especially, they were looking up in the Alola region, where Komala made their home; Komala were sent to the other six regions as well, and customers at Koalaty Mattresses and More in other regions really enjoyed seeing the Komala as they weren’t native in regions other than Alola. Business was soaring, and it was all thanks to one Komala that got mixed in with the shipment. One Komala that got sent to one store in the Alola region that boosted sales for one store and inspired the movement to send one Komala to all Koalaty Mattresses and More stores not just around Alola, but around the world.

    Pokemon: Komala (Complex, 30-40k)
    Character Count: 30052
    Author's Note: I really forced the character count on this, and I'm pretty sure it's obvious. Nevertheless, I figured I'd submit this anyways and see what happens. Who knows, maybe it'll pass. At any rate, I feel like the idea would've worked better for a different Pokemon, but puns are nice or something.

  2. #2
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    This story is adorable. I love Komala. Stop writing for mons that I love and making me feel biased.


    INTRO


    The intro is pretty solid. Overall, I really like the Pixar movie vibes I get from it. In Monsters Inc. or a movie like Wall-E, we are introduced to characters who go on with their day by day routines. And at the end of the introduction, their world is turned upside down!


    It’s a simple formula, but certainly gets the job done well!


    The unique spin on how mattresses were handled was really adorable, and creative! A sleepy little koala bear going from mattress to mattress was a great visual, and it made sense too! (Pokemon wise, I mean.)


    I only have two things here that really stuck out to me, otherwise I think the introduction is great!


    I can assume the sleeping pills are sleep aides? I thought that was what you meant. (As it seems to be!) but I kind of had to double take as to what you meant! Maybe next time give an example of sorts to help the reader understand this better? This could also be an issue with myself and where I live, as we just call them sleeping pills or sleeping medicine.
    You use “green stamp of approval” five times in the story (5 isn’t a TON, just noticed the multiple uses.) That isn’t necessarily bad, but I felt like its use could have been reduced, especially when you could specify and say “approved mattresses” not a big deal as I said, just something to keep in mind when giving sentences more variety!


    STORY


    What a cute way to have Komala start his journey! I love the slice of life vibes I got from Komala just chilling out beneath the counter with Elizabeth.


    -


    I know that it’s purposely a mystery, but it feels like an excuse or “just because I want this story” to have Komala be the reason mattresses are selling.


    You could argue that a fluffy little animal helping around a shop has more charm, but I feel as if you could have spent a bit more time on the “why” of the mattress sales. Even just a small scene regarding this.


    You don’t always do it, but I notice there are times in your stories where you jump from though to thought. (Cohesively, in your defense.) without really exploring something that was mentioned. Like the mattresses here.


    I see that you gave examples later on about the customer’s love for the Komalas at the mattress stores, but it felt like it would have been much more effective in the moment rather than after. Reading the “how” after it happened works and all, but I think showing rather than telling is always more effective.


    Having a small scene where a customer comments on the little dude would have been enough in my opinion.


    -


    Ironically, I feel you did a good job on connecting the idea that Komala’s aren’t treated well into the story. It’s never shoved in your face, but it’s definitely something that lingers as the story goes on.


    -


    We’ve had customers coming into the store today, sir,” Elizabeth replied. “And they’ve bought stuff.”

    This was one of those lines that made me laugh more than it should have. The self awareness in this story was actually hilarious. Well done.


    -


    The manager seemed to easily convince the company to let the Komala stay. I know it is shown, how the manager is shocked by the sales and most likely shared the numbers with the company, but it still seemed quite odd he was able to call after closing up shop and have it solved right there.


    Maybe add some tension! They take Komala home for the night, waiting anxiously to fight for Komala to stay at the store. There are plenty of directions to go with this, but I think this also is under the topic of “Spend more time on ideas, rather than jump from one to the next.”


    -


    Overall… what an adorable story. This story, really captured the essence of what a lot of small Pixar films do, I felt like. The uprooting from home, the new face and new friend, and the one who doesn’t accept them. It was well done. Whether you meant to do this or not I do not know. But great!


    GRAMMAR


    He heard the commotion and was curious about what was happening, yet he was a little confused as Elizabeth hadn’t moved from her position from behind the counter and gave her usual speech to customers that came into the store.

    This felt like quite a run-on sentence! The first two pieces are fine, but the last part involving the usual speech kind of confused me. I think a simple fix to split the sentences would be fine here.


    Maybe split it after the little confused part, so that the actions of Elizabeth stay together? It’s all up to you!


    -


    I have also seen times where you have a bit of repetition in thought.


    Elizabeth could handle things on her own without the manager’s help.

    And in the same paragraph two sentences later:


    and Elizabeth was fine with that. She could handle things on her own.

    Maybe it was on purpose, but my perspective was “She can handle it on her own, so her manager hiding away in his office was okay! By the way she can handle it on her own.”


    Repetition is fine. But make sure it adds to the story, rather than just repeating something.


    -


    Elizabeth kept a close eye on him as she got her apartment Komala ready, making sure that he didn’t get into anything he wasn’t supposed to.

    Forgot to put “to” in between her and apartment. Not a big deal and easy to miss. Keep an eye out nonetheless!


    LENGTH


    MCR: 30k Complex
    ACR: 30,052




    VERDICT


    Well, I like Komalas, and I like this story. You’re right, this was very obviously stretched out to hit 30k characters. Luckily for you, that’s what always defines a story. A cohesive plot and a charming concept are enough for me to say that this story had PASSED!
    "Take Care of Yourself"

    STATS

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