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Thread: The Clothes of Comfort - BMG Transfer

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    Default The Clothes of Comfort - BMG Transfer

    Mimikyu: Complex...30-40k mcr.
    Character count: ~30.3k
    Has been graded and now ready for a grade from @Dash to revise.
    Open to comments after grading.

    There are graphic images of violence in this story. Discretion is advised. Dark and ghost types live brutal lives...maybe not fairies so much but you get the idea.

    The watch wrapped around Roderick’s disguise’s neck silently ticked as he walked through the ruins of the city’s industrial district. It was a peaceful place, even with the rusty steel and scrap metal laying around. Nature started to take over the abandoned factory houses: vines grew over the walls, grasses started to colonize the visible interiors, their exposed steel beams rusted to the color of blood amid its chipping paint. The ruins often reminded Roderick how curious how human society worked before they all died. This led him to think about the previous owner of the watch, but he guessed that the person who owned it died a while ago with the rest of the city.

    It was just Roderick and and other industrial pokemon: Klink, Zubat, Voltorb, Grimer, Magnemite, Klefki, Gastly, perhaps a rare Rotom. They all kept each other company and made a community for themselves. Despite this, Roderick was fearful of a few. The Grimer would always try gang up on him and try steal his watch. The Klink, Klang, and Klinklang were territorial and would attack any sort of intruders of their home. He stayed away from the old chemical and car factories because they easily broke his disguise and nearly knocked him out from their Gear Grind. Luckily, he hadn’t encountered any Klink so far in his walk that day. He narrowly escaped an attack from a lone Grimer near one of the canals so his disguise was busted and he couldn’t wait to get home.

    When atop a hill a few blocks away from his residence, Roderick stopped to look at the sun setting over the industrial wasteland. The orange sky matched the rust of the buildings. The sunset reminded him of how ignorant he was of what happened to the people who once worked here. He wasn’t around to witness the tragedy in the city, but his parents told him of how many people were there. His parents left him here and ran off to a different town without him. He never understood why they left him.

    By the time Roderick got back to his home in an abandoned clothing factory, the twilight had set in. He went back to his work desk in the middle of the empty factory workhouse. Rows upon rows of tables lay abandoned littered with reminders of a recent past long gone.


    Tick tock, tick tock.

    Roderick’s watched hit two silently as he continued repairing his disguise. The abandoned clothing factory had all the leftover thread and fabric imaginable to make his disguise and repair it accordingly. Despite being abandoned for who knows how long, the fabrics in there were mostly in good shape. Some of the bolts exposed to the leaking roof had mildew, but none of it was too damaging. The factory was only a had a faint smell of sulfur from the traces left behind from the wandering poison pokemon, but otherwise it was a comfortable home for Roderick.

    Roderick was safe and rarely anything came in, save for the occasional Haunter, Gastly, Zubat, and Koffing visitor. The Klefki minded their own business; they usually wrapped themselves in the large bolts of felt.

    “There,” Roderick uttered to himself as he tightened the final seam on his costume, “that should do it!”

    Roderick then picked up his large watch and strapped it to his disguise’s neck. He was surprised it was still running. The watch had a plain, leather strap and had a silver casing, crystal glass, and golden text on a white background. It was a decent watch, and it served as an excellent complement to his disguise.

    Roderick was very curious about its origins. He had nagging sense of curiosity about who owned it. On the reverse side of the watch’s casing there was an inscription reading, “N.S. 2047” in a large, cursive font. Roderick didn’t know what it mean. He asked some of the visiting Haunters by if that inscription made any sense but they also knew nothing.

    Roderick slipped his disguise over his terrifying body and thought it felt just right. By then he was tired and knew that it was time to sleep. The Zubat and visiting Ghosts had gone out to hunt while the Klefki settled in for night in their velveteen comfort. Roderick’s little hovel was cherished. There, he fashioned a little bed for himself out of a cushion of a sofa he found wrapped in some of the factory’s finest silks. Roderick had a collection of various knick-knacks he found lying around the factory. He had a few spools of all kinds of different color threads, some the photos of families who no longer exist, and various little trinkets that reminded him a society that was were before.

    But for now, everything was happy. He settled on his little cushion and went to sleep.


    The following day Roderick woke up to the sun creeping through the broken and tattered windows. The Gastly, Haunter, and Zubat already returned from their nightly adventures and were asleep. Roderick didn't want to wake them, lest incur their wrath.

    Roderick didn’t mind the daylight. His disguise protected him from the sun’s harsh rays. But he he couldn’t go out very far because the watch dragging on his disguise was too heavy. Roderick took it upon himself to make a safe stand for his watch. He took the watch off from his disguise and hid it under his cushion, and then proceeded to go into the fabric storage areas. In the rows upon rows of fabrics in the factory’s storage facility, Roderick’s imagination only grew more vivid. He picked the cloth that was a deep violet—something dark to complement the gold characters in the face of the watch.

    He scurried back to one of the work tables out in the main section of the factory. It took him the entire day to roll and cut the cloth to the proper length for it to be as thick as his watch, and be sturdy enough to stand up—as well as be as tall as himself.

    When he finished tightening the last seam for his stand, night had fallen. The other ghosts: Haunter, Gastly, and a few Shuppets, had already left. Roderick returned to his hovel with his new stand as the Zubat fluttered out of the factory en masse to scavenge. He took the watch out from under his cushion and fastened it on the stand. It fit snuggly. Roderick was filled with the satisfaction that he finished another task successfully. As he settled in his silk, he sighed, still with a burning curiosity about its previous owner.


    Roderick awoke the next morning to discover that his watch had stopped right at 7:43. The clock’s internal battery died. Roderick’s heart dropped.

    No thinking, he took the watch off the stand and ran it to his work desk. He slammed it several times on his desk, hoping to get it to work. Tears were streaming down his face. The commotion stirred the sleeping Zubat overhead, which cause them to swarm irrationally, scraing Roderick. He quickly hid under the desk holding the watch tightly to himself.

    When the Zubat settled back down, he got out from under the desk, dried his tears and walked over to his hovel. Roderick looked at the stand he made for it, and in that moment he decided to leave his watch back on the stand while he would finally take action and find its owner in the city.

    Roderick left the factory as fast as he could.


    The barren downtown was familiar. The trees on the sidewalk had broken through their little fences and dirty, abandoned cars randomly lined the streets. Some of the cars had broken windows, but the condition of most of the cars' paint were still decent. The roads were littered, cracked and the weeds made him feel like he was in a forest of panic. The people on the sidewalks were either mostly skeletons or skeletons with some decayed remnants tissue still attached. Most of the awful smells had gone by now, but nevertheless the street was haunting reminder of what happened a few years ago.

    He went on his usual pattern: down 3rd street and past Elm where he would take a sip of the water gushing from the broken fire hydrant and then walk on over to what was the park and is now a forest of berry trees and bushes. He passed Ashbury Ave thinking about walking down it. Roderick never gone down that road before. It just wasn’t habit.

    He noticed a faded sign on a building a few blocks down that looked like there was new human writing on it. Other townhouses and businesses had large red x’s painted on them or still had yellow tape dangling off. Roderick wondered if it was new. It was spray painted in neon lime green letters. It looked a bit faded which meant it was up for a while, but Roderick had no memory of the spray paint being there before. He decided to take the risk and approach the supposedly long-abandoned shop.

    As he approached the storefront, the glass was broken in. There was a little hallway with long display cases with toppled mannequins among the broken glass. Roderick carefully walked up to the platform, but couldn’t help nicking his disguise. The store’s lights were off, and it smelled moldy. It was apparent that this store was exposed to the elements for some time, but it also smelled distinctly different than just mold and mildew. There was something else that was putrid emanating from the back.

    He walked inside the abandoned store. The clothes closest to the broken windows were the most faded. Roderick felt a little upset at the disrepair of the fabrics around. He approached the back of the store and noticed there was a door with a large rolling chair in front of it. It was plastic with a felt-covered cushion. Some of the foam was exposed. He pushed the chair away with his ghostly claws and pulled the knob open. He was very curious about what was behind that door.

    He thought, “Could it be a human?”

    A wafting air of stench greeted Roderick when he opened the door. The walls were lined with canned food. Dirty, smelly clothes lined the floor; there were little plastic bags everywhere. Roderick held his breath; the stench was so bad it made his eyes water even from beneath his disguise.

    In the pile of garbage and filth, Roderick saw something that looked like an emaciated, old man cowering in a ball. The man only had his filthy underwear on a dirty mattress. He was breathing loudly and heavily.

    He growled, “Get out. Now”

    Roderick chirped, “Mimi—”

    “OUT! NOW!”

    The person stumbled as he sat up on his mattress. He was sweaty, had greasy, long, unkempt hair, and a huge, gray beard. It was clear there were scraps of food and foul things in that beard. His eyes were pallid and sunken. It was apparent he did not go out much. Insanity marred his face.

    The man quivered and coughed. He yelled, “Out...OUT!!! There’s no one else!!! No one left!!! I’m alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

    The man got up from his mattress, which terrified Roderick. Before the man could angrily stumble over to him, Roderick already had left the room. Roderick shut the door behind him and stopped to catch his breath. He could hear that the man was started to cry and crawl back into a ball on his mattress. Roderick left the store as fast as he could run. Roderick could hear the wailing of the man even from outside the store front.

    “Why!! WHY didn’t I die!?” He heard the muffled wailing from afar.

    Roderick stood outside the store for a few moments waiting for the wailing to die down. Once it was over, he sighed. He looked down further on Ashbury Ave and pondered if he should continue. It seemed endless. Roderick thought that the loneliness that man felt must have been crushing. For Roderick it was perfectly normal.

    Upon walking back to his to his safe space he wondered what kind life the man had before the virus. Was he a successful banker? Proud businessman? Husband and father? Whoever he was, he appeared to be the only man left in the town alive.


    By the time he returned back home, it was very late in the afternoon; the day’s journey took a number on his energy and decided to take a nap. As Roderick went to sleep in his little hovel he couldn’t help but stare at the stopped watch on the holder. He wondered if it belonged to that man.

    After the nap, he woke up to some activity stirring in the main room of the sweatshop--something unusual--like scrounging around in all of the cloth. It was still late-afternoon, so it could not have possibly been the Zubat leaving to forage. He went to investigate, could it have been something benign like a lost Ratatta, or something worse?

    Roderick saw a bundle of cloth moving on a desk; the thing under it was much too large to be a Ratatta. He approached the moving hump and thought the air felt chillier with a nascent sense of...rage? It must be another ghost, he thought. Roderick pulled the cloth off the desk and there was a dark gray doll with a zippered mouth with severe, pink eyes. It seemed to have claws made of stuffed fabric but also looked extremely sharp at the ends. The Banette had a huge tear on her tummy and some of her ghostly cotton stuffing was spilling out. She it was clear that she was desperately tried to sew itself back together, but was having trouble with sewing with her cloth claws.

    The Banette was shocked to see Roderick; she must have thought this place was abandoned.

    Roderick asked, concerned for the Banette’s health, “are you hurt?”

    Banette snapped, “Who are you and what do you care; and yes; what does it fucking look like!?”

    Roderick was confused, but nevertheless, he continued, this time sounding more concerned, “I don’t like seeing other ghosts in pain. I’m pretty solitary myself but I like to consider myself an expert of helping others when they need them.”

    “I don’t need any help.”

    “Fine, sew yourself back together. But I have the best thread in the whole factory in my hovel. The strings you have there won’t stitch you right”

    Banette was taken aback by how much he knew about sewing and floated behind Roderick back to his hovel.

    Both having clumsy claws, the two ghosts worked through the night to stitch Banette’s injury back together. When the work was done the stitching was not beautiful, but worked.

    Roderick said to Banette as he tightened the last stitch, “you should sleep over tonight. Let the wound heal up inside.”

    “Oh, but I must leave,” said Banette worried.

    “Why,” Roderick was curious.

    “I have been running...running from them.”

    Roderick’s eyes widened from beneath his costume. Perhaps it was the part fairy in him that kept him concerned for his new friend. “From whom”

    “I… can’t tell you. They’re relentless!”

    Banette looked over to the crystal and silver watch looming besides the ghosts, “that beautiful watch is only going to attract them. They are the gremlins of the night. They will take all the jewels from this town one person by one. And then, the great part is that they ate them all.”

    Her voice turned serious, "the Sableye in this town know no mercy and they are after me! They will take whatever’s valuable and take it for themselves!"

    “I don’t think that’s right. I think that watch has an owner.”

    The Banette was suspicious, “Oh, and how do you know?”

    Roderick went over to his stand and took off the watch. The watch fell through his ghostly claws and clinked when it hit the floor. Roderick picked up the watch, now with his claws more tangible, and brought it over to Banette. Roderick shown the back side of the watch to Banette.

    “See,” Roderick started, “someone scratched something on it! I can’t read it, but it looks like human speak.”

    Banette, “It does, but that doesn’t change anything about the Sableye taking what’s not theirs. They’re hungry, so you better hide it.”

    Roderick gasped, holding the watch tighter.

    “I guess I can stay over for the night; they do seem to have missed my trail long enough to be safe. I’m Denise, by the way.”

    “I’m Roderick.”

    Denise turned away from Roderick and left his hovel, saying, “Nice meeting ya.” Roderick presumed she found somewhere to sleep for the night. Roderick placed the watch back on the stand, got on his cushion, sighed, and went to sleep. He hoped that the Sableye wouldn’t steal his watch.

    By the next morning Roderick awoke a bit later than usual only to find the watch missing from its stand! A string of panic ripped across Roderick as he frantically looked around for Denise. She was nowhere to be found either! Roderick was scared, what if he could never find that watch again and never return it to its owner!? He had to find it!

    Roderick remembered that Denise talked about the Sableye that stole all the gems. Could the Sableye have taken his watch!? Perhaps he should go to a jewelry store; but which one?

    Panicking, he darted out of his home and headed straight for downtown. A few blocks away from where he encountered that man there was a large jewelry store. He went inside but the place was picked clean without a trace of either Denise or a Sableye. Store after store, all the jewelry stores in the town were completely looted without a trace of anything valuable. It was very frustrating for Roderick to come up empty like that. By then the sun was setting and he was tired. He had to go back to his home.

    When he returned, something else was amiss. He walked over to his hovel, only to find it destroyed! All the personal memorabilia of the formerly employed were scattered about; his precious thread collection was missing, and his bed was torn by someone slicing it. There was foam stuffing everywhere. Tears started to well up in him. He was certainly hurt and confused to see his home like that.

    A nearby Haunter came over and looked terrified. It told Roderick, “I’m glad you’re here! It was terrifying what happened here! There was a huge fight between a Sableye and a Banette! The Banette ran off with a watch but I haven’t seen them return!”

    Roderick was shocked, “oh no! Do you know where they went!?”

    “No, sorry. It was a big fight. They mentioned something about a warehouse but I’m not sure what that meant. Could be anything, really.”

    Roderick thanked the Haunter and let it go off to do its business. A sense of dread washed over him at the thought of a Sableye eating his watch and torturing his friend! He had to find them!

    He darted outside the factory looking for any trace of either ghost. Both were both very small in a very large city. The sun was setting, so being outside this late made Roderick nervous around such a rusty environment. Bust safety was not on his mind; the thought Denise and the watch missing compelled him to charge into the city’s abandoned industrial center.

    It was terrifying. There were so many poison and steel pokemon outside and the moon was beginning to come out. This made him feel like he was walking towards a death trap. Nevertheless, he looked for any sign of light emanating from the long string of abandoned warehouses. Eventually, Roderick came across a warehouse that he had seen before. It was huge for his size but saw a gap in the wall large enough for two little ghosts to sneak in. He caught a glimpse of some sort of shimmering light. Roderick felt a rush of excitement as he quickly, but quietly, sneaked over beside the hole. He listed carefully for anyone inside and heard faint echoes of high-pitched cackling. That was the laughter of several Sableye when they found their prize.

    Roderick peeked inside and was horrified. Roderick saw piles of Carbink upon piles of jewels amidst all of the rust and decay of the building. The Carbink were trapped due to their natural fear of metal. There were also small, dark purple Sableyes of all shapes and sizes running around the mess. Some were trying out different gems for eyes while others were munching on the corpses of the helpless rock fairies. Roderick couldn’t see Denise anywhere, and he grew concerned.

    He let out a sigh and a squeak which he promptly shut himself up. He hoped the Sableye inside didn't hear that. Roderick ran away as fast as he could from the building, but before he could go any reasonable distance, he felt a sharp, fiery burn on his back as he was enveloped in a quick cloud of blue fire. The fire quickly dissipated, and Roderick was left burned. He stung all over; one of the Sableye must have burned him with a Will-O-Wisp.

    He turned around to see three large Sableye looking at him curiously. One of them pointed their little ghostly fingers at him and made an obnoxious face at Roderick. Roderick became angered! Roderick ran directly to that Sableye and tackled it in a cloud of punches, scratches, and wooden tail bashing. The Sableye took quite some damage but then the other Sableye emerged from the warehouse to investigate. Other Sableye continued to make weird faces at him. He couldn't bear it and gave them their rough play! A few punches and tail bashes missed but still Roderick pursued. One Sableye fired a shadow ball at him and broke the head of his disguise! It fell sheepishly to his side. Roderick would have normally been upset, was too enveloped rage to care.

    Several more Sableye crawled out of the hole in the warehouse. They fired off tiny shadow balls left and right. One Sableye came out with its mouth covered in light blue, crystalline particles around its mouth. It let out a wave of dark energy that hit Roderick right as it was running towards it to play rough. The instance the pulse gruesome images of a Sableye smashing a Crabink's head open to eat its gems paralyzed Roderick in fear. This lead to an opening for the others to fire off more shadow balls. Each ball hurt every time it landed! Roderick couldn't handle the constant barrage of attacks and he gave out. He fainted among the crowd of cackling Sableye.


    Roderick woke up hours later behind some rusty iron bars. He looked around and saw the whole clan of Sableye sleeping on their captive Carbink throughout the warehouse. The smell was awful. There was blood, Carbink remains, and jewelry scattered everywhere. Roderick was horrified at thought of the carnage that went on in here. He wondered where the Gabite that usually monitor these pokemon. He looked to the side of his metal cage and saw what looked like a doll--it was had to tell with the lighting. Upon closer look, Roderick saw that it was Denise! She had the watch sewed on her belly! Roderick got as close to the metal bars of his cage would allow; he was afraid to get too close as his disguise was still busted.

    He chirped, "Hey, are you ok?"

    Denise was unresponsive. Perhaps she was sleeping?

    Roderick picked up his wooden tail to poke Denise awake. On the third poke Denise woke up in shock.

    Roderick, whispering Denise, "Hey, it's me!!"

    "Oh! How did you find me!?"

    "I asked a Haunter what happened and he said you fought a Sableye! He mentioned something about a warehouse! I wanted to know if you were ok!"

    "Oh no," said Denise filled with regret, "I shouldn't have brought this upon you. Accepting your help was mistake!"

    "Why and why did these Sableye attack you?"

    "It is a long story."

    "Well we're not going anywhere!"

    Denise sighed. "You see, the story starts before my involvement. The Sableye Clan mutinied on their Gabite overlords when the miners taught the wild Sableye moves. Then the people died and then they staged a rebellion against their Gabite rulers. Then, they’ve run amok stealing everything valuable and owner-less around town as well as hoarding Carbink from the mines. There was no one to stop them so they've multiplied and are feasting on all the gems the humans left behind.

    "Now, here is where I come into the picture..."

    Roderick gave Denise his full attention.

    She continued, "I had a trainer that died about a year ago and he was very rich. He had a safe containing who knows what. When the Sableye finally killed their Gabite overlord, they went on a rampage through town. When they broke in to my old home they sniffed what was in the family safe. Wanting to protect my trainer's legacy, I didn't want them breaking in my home and stealing it so tore my stuffing up and hid the combination and key inside of me. They didn't like that and tried to tear it out! I guess, I'm sorry, my smell must have led them to you! The only way I knew to protect myself was to sew your watch to myself and hope that they’ve forgotten about the key inside me! Your watch has died…I’m sorry!

    Roderick took a moment to process this. “You…”

    “Roderick, please! I was scared! I’m sorry!”

    Roderick had a tear well up. He couldn’t believe that Denise stole his watch to save herself, but he also thought how he would do that same thing in that situation. He swallowed, knowing that there were more important issues at hand. In a tearful voice, “I came to rescue you!"

    "That's so kind of you, but how!? Your disguise is busted, and these iron bars will hurt you more than me!"

    Roderick asked, "can you protect me with a cotton guard? I can mimic it so that I can squeeze through the bars easy! I know we both can sneak in the shadows so that we won’t disturb the Sableye. We have to go fast, else we might be their dinners!"

    Denise was surprised at such an insightful thing coming from a cute little fairy such as Roderick.

    Roderick quietly cheered, "you first!"

    Denise agreed, closed her eyes and became fluffier and fatter, tightening her seams. Roderick closed his eyes like Denise and his disguise ballooned as it filled up with life again. The two ghosts carefully, though more awkwardly, squeezed through the rusty bars. A loose thread on Roderick's disguise caught on the rust and as Roderick maneuvered through the bars the faster it slipped. Roderick couldn't help but squirm noisily as he tried to free himself. His wooden tail clanged against the metal.

    Denise snapped at Roderick, "Shh!! Do you not want to wake the whole colony up!?"

    "Sorry, but I'm stuck! If I want to go quietly I'll have to slip into the shadows without my disguise!"

    One or two of the Sableye stirred from the noise.

    Denise demanded, "take it off!"


    "Shh!!! You'll wake up the Sableye!"

    The stuffed Denise waddled to the trapped Roderick to help untangle him. After about twenty seconds of fiddling, Roderick finally managed to unhook himself. As he took the first stop out, however, he didn't see a pointed diamond on the floor and stepped directly on it.

    Roderick let out a yelp and clanged his tail hard on the cage. This woke one Sableye which just stared at Denise and Roderick, who stared it back at it, petrified. The Sableye screamed and ran around the warehouse, waking everything up in its path. Roderick and Denise quickly exchanged looks of fear and shadow sneaked towards their exit.

    As they passed through the shadows of each Sableye, another Sableye woke. Shadow Balls and Dark Pulses were thrown left and right, some tried to Will-o-Wisp but all, but three attacks hit Roderick and Denise! There were a few Shadow Sneaking Sableye, but they couldn't match the speed of Roderick and Denise. By this time their Cotton Guards had worn off and they were their normal thickness.

    Outside the warehouse were several large, rusty tanks. They smelled of sulfur. Denise and Roderick quickly hid behind them.

    Denise whispered to Roderick, "my masters were petroleum magnates. They always smelled of this stuff when they came home from the refinery. I’ve seen a lot of pictures of them exploding around open flames."

    Roderick looked at Denise and whispered, "you think..."

    Roderick quickly detached the tail from his disguise and both Roderick and Denise shadow sneaked away to a nearby warehouse. Just then, a Sableye from the warehouse caught a sight of Roderick's wooden tail and decided to burn it. He sent a little blue ball of fire towards the can, and missed.

    Roderick and Denise quickly ran off before a second Will-o-Wisp could be sent. The second Will-o-Wisp hit Roderick’s tail and it caught fire. Moments later a large explosion was heard from outside the warehouse, causing the entire front wall to collapse in on itself and followed by the roof caving in. Most of the Sableye died but the captive Carbinks were okay. The Carbinks, though disoriented, floated out as fast as a Carbink could. They didn't even look seared emerging from the flames.

    By the time they passed Roderick's home, he nearly collapsed from tiredness. He invited Denise to sleep over and be with him when Roderick would give the man his watch back. She needed a home as well. He found a cushion for her and he found another one to use for his bed. He helped Denise make her hovel while she helped him repair his. When they were done, they seemed to have grown to be good friends.


    The following day, Roderick's disguise was still busted. He didn't mind; he had the time and a friend to help him with it later. Now was the final chapter in his journey: time to return the watch!

    He carefully unwed the watch from Denise's body with some scissors he found on a desk. He just needed to cut one string really, and the watch slipped right off. They went back to that clothes store in town. It smelled just like it did the day he first found out about it, but worse.

    He showed Denise the backroom door and knocked on it.


    "Mimi--" he cried.


    Roderick was hurt by that, and after going through what he did in the past few days made him break down in tears. Denise grew angry. She hopped into the shadow of the door.

    He heard, "Huh, who the fuck are you?"


    Then the man screamed. "WAIT IS THAT MY WATCH OW! STOP THAT!!! THAT HURTS! YOU FU-," and then the screaming stopped.

    Minutes passed.

    Denise hopped from the shadows besides Roderick and said, "There, that awful man has his watch now. For good."

    Roderick was happy now that he fulfilled his quest and they returned to the factory. She also had smirk on her face knowing that Roderick doesn't know won't hurt. They spent the rest of the day fixing his disguise and foraging in a life after people.

    What Denise didn't tell Roderick is that she sewed the watch to his mouth shut.

    juliorain, Jun 19, 2017 Last edited: Dec 11, 2017
    Last edited by juliorain; 02-24-18 at 12:09 PM.

    Img Made by Morru/Mako

  2. #2
    Phantom Thief URPG Staff Ralin's Avatar
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    claiming in place of Dash for regrade.
    "With what voice, what words should I shout out this love?"


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  4. #3
    Phantom Thief URPG Staff Ralin's Avatar
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    As I can only see the edited version, I will be basing my grade upon that and Dash's original grade.


    Roderick’s disguise’s neck silently

    So, I felt like this sentence was a little awkward to read. Right away we are given a character, then giving them a false identity. But how you made sure to tell the reader that this WAS a false identity. What exactly is the disguise?

    Although you are writing for Mimikyu, it is really important that the reader can infer this through the text, not the info about the story. What if the only reason we knew Harry Potter had a scar was because of the back of the book summary? What if we only knew Batman was Bruce Wayne was him because of a title? It's jarring, and small details like this can throw the reader off, especially when so much weight is put on the disguise.

    A good way to execute something like this usually, is by introducing the character as what they are disguised as, that way the reader is

    a) more drawn in! Who is his fella? They will have to read on to find out!
    b) It helps to feed the reader info piece by piece, rather than overwhelm them all at once. Here we are given that Roderick exists, he is disguised, and wears a watch around his neck. breaking this up, or having these bits of information transition from point to point would help a ton!

    To quote Dash's grade:
    This introduction does the standard that most stories follow, which is introducing the settings and the character.

    I also agree with this, so well done!


    Nature started to take over the abandoned factory houses: vines grew over the walls, grasses started to colonize the visible interiors, their exposed steel beams rusted to the color of blood amid its chipping paint.

    I really enjoyed this imagery! I think it painted the setting quite beautifully!


    In the original grade, Dash stated:
    Despite being told about what happened, and the Pokemon that lived in it, it still felt like it was empty and the only one taking up space was Roderick himself.

    This still holds true in my opinion. For an example as to what he means, all of the Pokemon stated in that section of the story make sense and fit the atmosphere, but you give them life and personality by focusing on their interactions with Roderick, rather than the entire district. This is very important, as giving small personality traits and how these creatures interact with the world outside of the protagonist makes this place feel real and tangible.


    How you ended this intro was very well done. I think it helps wrap up the scene very nicely, and establishes the atmosphere perfectly for the world you want to explore. There are a few bumps in the road, but overall the intro gets the job done and gives the reader what they are looking for: a character, a setting, and questions that make the reader keep on reading! Well done!


    Roderick’s watched hit two silently

    For future reference, be sure to identity what hand on the clock hits two. While it is not a big deal at all and is implied through what is said, it adds a nice bit of flavor text. (Wanted to point this out, again, not a big deal.)


    Roderick was safe and rarely anything came in, save for the occasional Haunter, Gastly, Zubat, and Koffing visitor. The Klefki minded their own business; they usually wrapped themselves in the large bolts of felt.

    So, contradicting what I said in the intro, I think how you described the Klefki here was a good example of what Dash and I were looking for! Keep it up!


    The clock’s internal battery died. Roderick’s heart dropped.

    A simple question, does Roderick understand internal clocks? Normally something this small does not stand out to me, but I feel that since this was an object from a civilization that longer exists, it is a bit odd that Roderick understands the ins and outs of this watch and nothing is implied that he has had a history of replacing the battery. And at this point, we do not know where Roderick gets the watch.

    Albeit, not a big deal! But nevertheless worth mentioning.


    You did a glorious job of describing the city! The descriptions were very vivid and I could see it all so perfectly. I think you’re strongest point in your writing I have noticed is visuals! You definitely have a knack for imagining scenes and then painting them to the reader. I remember a grade I did for you quite a while ago touched on this subject and how you could strengthen this talent so that the reader could better visualize the scenery and I think the way you described the city shows that you listened, and even shows growth. Made me feel warm and fuzzy and also proud to see someone’s writing grow!

    Amazing job here!


    The clothes closest to the broken windows were the most faded.

    Really small detail that I really enjoyed, something I haven’t really seen written before around here, and was a welcome little addition to the world. It was a great subtle way to show the age of the world and how long humans have been gone!


    To start off, I really liked the scene with the old man, but one line stuck out to me.

    “Why!! WHY didn’t I die!?” He heard the muffled wailing from afar.

    This line felt out of place! Why now of all times would he yell this? I think maybe implying or having something that caused this could have helped make this connect more into the scene.


    The man was restless, the movement of Roderick kept him jolted upright, watching constantly. His body shivered as he whispered to himself. “I’m alone…” this whisper broke into a shout “Why didn’t I die!?”

    Obviously it’s up to you, but ideally have it so the words he say connect to the rest of the scene. I think conceptually the dialogue is fine! It adds mystery to the world. Why is the the only human left, or the only one in the area? It’s cool! I’d love to see in future stories how you find a way to implement these things.


    Banette snapped, “Who are you and what do you care; and yes; what does it fucking look like!?”

    I think something for you to focus on for future stories is to make sure you flesh out dialogue. This felt like a very run on section of speech, and just a few actions or pauses could have really helped make this moment much more powerful.

    Banette snapped. “Who are you and what do you care?” Banette lurched forward, eyes moving down to stare at its stomach. “And yes,” A sharp inhale from the pain caused Banette’s voice to rise. “What does it fucking look like?”

    Adding actions between dialogue may sometimes be a bit much! But at other times it can really help dialogue flow, and make the characters feel less like puppets and more like living things!


    Again, wonderful job painting scenes in a way for the reader to follow the action! The action scenes with Roderick and Sableyes was great!



    So! This is 100% personal preference, but language should be used less. I have no issues with cussing, and I’m sure most don’t! But sometimes cussing feels like its there for cussing sake! There are different ways to show obscenity or lack of social awareness, a good example of this was actually in your first representation of the old man, a dirty, yelling, angry mess.

    And to add, the ending feels like you were rushing a bit! It all ended so quickly! Maybe there wasn’t much to show in this scenario.


    An interesting contrast between Roderick and the old man was that in the end, Roderick found help in a new friend, while the old man suffered from being alone, and became rotten.

    I think the reason the old man was alone should have been more looked into, so we can see why he is alone, and the last man in the town, but the overall idea is there!


    Roderick’s watched hit two silently as he continued repairing his disguise.


    Wanted to point this out because from the stories I have graded of yours, you have a habit of missing things like this. It should be watch! I want to stress to read through your stories to make sure they read well, but this one is the kind I would miss myself, and I'm sure many others would too!


    He had a few spools of all kinds of different color threads, some the photos of families who no longer exist, and various little trinkets that reminded him a society that was were before.

    So a few things here!

    "some the photos of families who no longer exist" Some of the families who no longer exist.

    Andvarious little trinkets that reminded him a society that was there before.

    You had "were" typed. “That was WERE before?” It's like saying was twice! D:


    Roderick was shocked, “oh no! Do you know where they went!?”

    Capital O at the start of a sentence!

    “Oh no!”


    "Why and why did these Sableye attack you?

    So uh, I’m not actually sure what this is supposed to say? Or rather, what the second W word is supposed to be, as it most certainly is not Why again.


    MCR: 30k
    ACR: 30.3


    So Dash had some very critical things to say about the overall plot and how things connected. Why was the virus there? Where are the humans? Both valid questions! I have to say, both are questions that remain relatively unanswered.

    But! I wanna talk about something with this story! Overall, the plot points are there. Heck, even the details are. How we get from Point A to Point B makes sense! The story is cohesive and easy to follow too! But I think something you should focus on now is making sure those dots connect in a proper way! Right now the story as I said reads cohesively, but I think polishing plot points and the reasoning behind different scenes would REALLY make your writing prosper!

    Some examples of things to polish:

    The man and why he is there. Is he merely a plotpoint to give Roderick objective over the watch? I’m not actually quite sure. At the same time, I don’t think he is useless, the story couldn’t happen without him!

    The virus, does the reader need to know about it for the story to make sense? (In my opinion, no, it just gives the reader background.) Make this connect more!

    Now, I know I just kind of lectured you for the plot things, but I want to reassure you that your plot is cohesive and the overarching story works.

    What I actually wanted to focus on here was something that I feel is not given enough credit! I’ve stated it before, but you definitely have a very visually oriented style! The way you describe things is always the focus, rather than the characters and their personalities. Is this bad? Not at all! I think it’s really cool to see someone’s style grow and change, and since last year where I saw your descriptions, they’ve only gotten better! The way you describe Mimikyu, the Sableye and the Man were all very well done and show you definitely have a talent for writing! The reason I want to tell you this is because I want to you to master this specific skill, and then try and transfer those abilities to other sections of writing. You’ve grown so much since my last grade for you, and you probably grew even more since this story! So, you’ve waited long enough, and show growth and strong skills in sections, MIMIKYU PASSED.

    There was a small part of me that did not want to pass this, but in my opinion that would be ignoring what you did well and focusing on flaws. You did plenty enough in this edit (I can only assume theyre quite different, I did not see the original.) to prove to me that you can write a complex story. Well done!
    "With what voice, what words should I shout out this love?"


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