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    Default [♫] to the makers of music

    To the Makers of Music

    Table of Contents
    Side:Vocalization Chapter 0.5
    Last edited by W32Coravint; 06-18-18 at 05:57 AM.

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    Default Side:Vocalization - Chapter 0.5

    This story is the first in a long series of stories that I hopefully won't abandon immediately after this one is graded. It involves secret societies of fictional idols and vocal synthesizers with Pokémon powers, another alternate-universe counterpart of the SCP Foundation, and a whole lot of weird places.

    - x -
    To the Makers of Music
    Side:Vocalization - Chapter 0.5

    Somewhere, in another world, there is an infinite expanse known as the Plane.

    The Plane, as its name suggests, is an infinite surface whose landforms are an approximation of Earth's physical geography. Many of us have resided on this plane for millennia.

    There are about three hundred places on Earth that have doorways to the Plane. Most of the portals are one-way, and there are far more entrances to the Plane than exits. In addition, the exits are much harder to find; only three bidirectional gateways are known. Their Earth-side locations are located at the geographic South Pole, a small outpost in the Sahara Desert, and a small outpost in the Russian Far North, while their Plane-side locations are located in an equilateral triangle of sides 153,360 km.

    The Plane differs from Earth in many ways. Most of the countries here are predominantly populated and ruled by humans, though there are unusual exceptions to the rule. The laws of reality are slightly more lax here, too - people have built perpetual motion machines, gained functioning telepathic powers and even summoned things from fictional universes into reality.

    There are, however, stable regions where reality is, for lack of a better term, more coherent than the standard levels in the Plane, as they are on Earth. Located almost exactly seven hundred kilometers from the two nearest portals, one of which is the Saharan outpost gateway, the city of Centelith in the nation of Djervi lies at the exact center of one. The bustling metropolis populated mainly by immigrants from outside the stable region is widely recognized as the most “normal” town by consensus reality standards, and in addition to the coherence of reality in the region, there are secret reality enforcement agents who seek out and destroy anything that doesn’t conform to Earth’s standards of reality.

    But it was in Centelith on December 22, 2017 that I awoke on the living room floor of an abandoned apartment with no memories. I was wearing a slightly stained white jumpsuit. I knew my name was Kizuna Akari, but that was about it. The one-bedroom apartment wasn’t mine - it belonged to someone by the name of Enomoto, according to several documents I found scattered on the bed, and whoever that was seemed to have left the town in a hurry. Enomoto had left a wad of cash and their smartphone, both of which I took with me.

    A note on the wall drew my attention. It was addressed to me personally, and it read: “Akari: We’ll be there to pick you up by March 14th. Sincerely, the Line Artists.”

    Whoever these Line Artists were, I had a strange feeling that they were on my side.

    I realized I couldn’t go out in just a jumpsuit, but after some searching I discovered that there were no clothes left in the apartment. But just as I thought about how nice it would be if I had a change of clothes, my jumpsuit glowed brightly, and I found myself in a completely different outfit - one I remember someone else wearing, though not exactly who that someone was. I didn’t want to go around in their outfit, though - and just like that, my outfit changed again. Purple stockings changed in color to orange, my dress altered itself to have a different design, and my hair lightened from lavender to white. I liked that outfit enough to make it my main outfit.

    A photo of a small housecat with a spotted off-white coat sitting on a stool hung on the wall above the sofa.

    I wondered if I could turn into the cat in the photo, and in another flash of light my point of view lowered itself. Looking in the mirror, I saw the exact same cat in place of my normal self. I maneuvered my new body around, trying to get used to the feeling of being a completely different species, and once I’d gotten that down, I transformed myself back to normal with a mental command.

    I quickly found out I could turn into inanimate objects, though I would lose the ability to see, and that I could copy objects that I could see almost perfectly, even if I couldn’t see the whole object. Armed with my transformation powers and enough money to last me what I thought would be five months, I stepped out of the apartment, took the lift from the seventh floor, and stepped out into the sunlight. I realized the cash I got from the apartment wasn’t going to last me forever, so I set out to find a job.

    I walked into a fast food joint that was hiring, located in the middle of a large mall, hoping to land a good enough job to support myself until the Line Artists could pick me up.

    And so, after making sure that there were in fact walk-in interviews at this outlet, I walked into the interview room in my casual outfit - a black T-shirt and medium-length skirt. “Good morning.”

    “Good morning. Before we begin, we are required by law to check your identity card and person for any undeclared anomalies,” the interviewer, a man with a rather strong build, began.


    I didn’t even know that people here needed to have identity cards, or what the identity cards themselves looked like.

    “I... I don’t have one,” I admitted.

    “Then we can’t hire you. Goodbye.” The man turned back to his computer and started to type something, probably to call in the next person.

    I stepped out of the interview room and left the store, only to be accosted by a bunch of people in paramilitary uniforms. “You’re coming with us.”

    “What did I do?” I asked.

    “We’re the local reality enforcement group, and we need to check you for anomalous activity.”

    Thinking quickly, I transformed into a fly, using the flash of light to distract the enforcers as I quickly flew out of the building and as far up as I could. “That was close,” I thought to myself.

    Knowing that I couldn’t get a job thanks to my lack of an identity card, I turned to crime.

    I started off by stealing small items. Thanks to my abilities, I could usually just target individuals at night by pretending to be lost and asking for directions. When they stopped for me, I would quickly extend a small, light, almost transparent tendril of some sort of jelly - I didn’t really know what to call it - and take their wallets from their pockets while distracting them. If I got caught, I’d just turn into a bird and fly away before they could react.

    As I didn’t want Enomoto to discover that I was using their apartment if they returned, I started living on the streets, changing my appearance regularly to throw off any reality enforcers that might be trying to capture or kill me.

    And so I barely managed to continue living, as the source of about forty instances of petty theft per month.

    It’s now late February. The money I found in the apartment is almost running out, and although my constant stream of unlawful income has slowed my descent into bankruptcy, it’s not enough to prevent me from ending up without any money. I’m already getting really desperate - I started planning to rob a jeweler’s a week ago. The establishment is called “Mikagura Suite Jewelers”, and they offer jewelry at relatively affordable prices.

    I’ve spent the last week examining every detail of the store. There’s only one entrance, which is a set of sliding doors that can be remotely closed and locked. The guards’ shifts change at 2:45 PM, which means there’s a brief window of about one and a half minutes during which there are no guards in the front of the store. Between the hours of two and five, the employee manning the master control panel for the locks is a man with a slightly injured foot. The shifts for employees change every Thursday, meaning that I’ll need to carry the heist out today.

    The store is located near the main street, on Third Avenue, which branches off the main street in the direction of the slum area. Going in the direction of the slums quickly leads to a stretch of road where there are about a hundred alleys connecting Third Avenue to Fourth Avenue, many of which are too narrow to accommodate cars, making it perfect for my getaway.

    I plan to rush into the store and ram the employee’s leg as a small furry creature, startling and hopefully tripping him, then transform into a passerby as a distraction. Then I’ll deactivate as many locks as I can - I don’t know the exact correspondences - and grab the nearest available goods to the door. Then I’ll leg it the hell out of there, and a few days later sell it to a pawn shop after altering it slightly.

    I make my way down to the shop, and soon enough, at 2:44, I see the guards checking their watches, waiting for them to be able to change their shifts so they can have lunch. I step around the corner into an alley - it’s not very wide and is mostly clear - and transform into a sewer rat. I round the corner again, scurrying my way along the pavement while keeping myself as close as possible to the wall until I reach the store, at which point I accelerate into the store. The guards don’t notice me, so I make a beeline for my target and ram into the leg of the employee manning the control panel with enough force to trip him over. I quickly transform into one of the men I see walking past the window and glance at the now-unguarded control panel. As soon as I see the panel, I notice the buttons are laid out in the same configuration as the cases themselves, so I press the button corresponding to the case near the front of the store; the case itself makes an audible click and three of its four glass walls sink down into the pedestal. The other employees obviously realize something’s up - one of them rings for security, and another rushes over to the control panel to lock down the doors, but I quickly grab the golden chain from the display case I unlocked and run out of the store. I check my watch: 2:46.

    As soon as I turn the corner, instead of the guards, a bunch of guys in reality enforcement paramilitary uniforms are waiting for me. To my advantage, I’ve made sure to transform into someone with a build that can run faster than average. I round the corner into an empty alley - this one leads up to the edge of a building and connects to another alley - as quickly as possible, transform my appearance into my regular form, hide the gold chain under my clothes, and briskly walk down the alley. They’re probably going to chase the guy whose appearance I copied.

    “Stop right there!”

    Or not. Should’ve expected that from reality enforcers.

    More threatening guys in reality enforcer uniforms rush into the alley from both ends. Time to get out of here. Not bothering to decelerate, I temporarily will my arm into a grappling hook, which I launch at the top of the building to my right and use to pull myself up. I lift myself onto the roof, reverting my arm to normal, and for a moment I think I’m safe, but more personnel emerge from a roof access hatch. Thinking quickly, I make my way towards Fourth Avenue over the top of several buildings.

    There’s a problem, though - right in the middle of the block, dividing it in two, is a massive office building with over thirty floors, forming a wall between me and my escape I make a ninety-degree turn to the right, towards Loglandic Street, and keep running. Reaching the edge of the block, I transform the back of my jacket into a makeshift hang glider, and as soon as I get to the edge I jump off the top of the twelve-story Edogawa-Aikou Building, glide above four lanes of congested traffic and the giant logo and letters on the front of the Sunward electronics megastore, and barely land at the edge of the building behind it.


    I decide to leave the goods at the apartment I woke up on, located on Eighth Avenue, before making my escape.

    Before any more of the officers come in, I jump onto an external stairway attached to an office building and quickly make my way upward. I quickly discover that it doesn’t have roof access, and the door on the highest floor is electronically locked with a keypad. Luckily, I didn’t transform from the hang glider form yet, so I simply jump off from the nineteenth-floor landing and spread my wings. Beneath me, I see the officers on the roof of a building waiting for me to land, so I make a quick change of plans, making a sharp right to fly directly above Fifth Avenue.

    The reality enforcement personnel give chase on foot and I quickly orient myself slightly to the left again to cut through one of the city parks. I’m nowhere near the ground yet. Going diagonally through the park leads me to the intersection of Seventh Avenue and Octothorpe Street, which is a block away from the apartment building. As I begin to fly over the park, the officers below begin to fire what I think are tranquilizer darts at me. I manage to dodge the first few, but soon enough one pierces the right wing of my glider; I can’t repair it without plummeting to the ground, so I swerve to the right quickly enough to land on the top of some company’s offices. I continue running whilst transforming my glider to a repaired state, but when that’s done I can’t really take off from there without risking another tranquilizer dart shot.

    I climb on top of a air conditioning unit and make a jump to the next building’s roof, where people in riot gear are waiting. There’s a staircase next to it, so I climb that and take flight from what I think is the seventeenth-floor landing, which takes me high enough to be out of the range of the tranquilizer dart launchers of the troops on the ground for about thirty seconds. In those thirty seconds, I maneuver myself to accelerate over a large pond and a crowded picnic ground, making it slightly more difficult for the officers to get to me.

    I spot Enomoto’s apartment in the distance and make a beeline for it, praying that it’s still abandoned, or at least unoccupied. As I approach, I quickly grab onto the railing, swing underneath it, and hurl myself through the gap in the glass doors...

    Only to be met with a guy with a USB cable extending like a tail and what appears to be a futuristic laser gun, which he’s got aimed at me. His hair is light gray, and he’s wearing a strange, futuristic suit with glowing lights.

    “You don’t need to be scared, Akari.” he says calmly as he puts the gun back on his belt. “I’m from the Line Artists.”

    “So, who are you?” I ask.

    “I had a hand in summoning you into existence. My name is Utatane Piko, by the way. Pleased to finally meet you.”

    “Pleased to meet you too... I guess. May I ask some questions?”

    “Sure. Let me just get something set up.”
    He takes out a laptop from a drawer - either I must have forgotten to check that drawer, or he must have brought it over - and boots it up. As it starts, it makes an audible whirr, as well as several clicking noises.

    “Yeah, what is it?” Piko motions for me to walk over to him and the laptop. I hesitantly follow.

    “What’s with my transformation powers?” I inquire.

    “Oh, that. You were given a Pokémon manifest when we summoned you. Yours is a Ditto. I’ve got one too.”

    The computer’s noises are suddenly drowned out by a loud banging on the front door. “Open up! Or we will be forced to break in!” booms an angry voice.

    “Don’t worry,” Piko whispers as he grabs my hand tightly.

    There is an even louder thunk as whoever is outside tries to break down the door. The laptop is still booting up.

    Another thump. The laptop’s on. Piko taps the touchscreen a few times. “Dammit! The router isn’t on.” He lets go of my hand and turns on a switch on the wall. He seems to know this place pretty well. Maybe he knew whoever this Enomoto person was before they left town.

    Another thump, followed by a cracking sound. “They’re getting in,” I say in a hushed tone.

    “Don’t worry, I got this. Network should be on in about half a minute, then we can make our escape.”

    Almost immediately, I hear footsteps and metallic clanking from outside. Piko, seemingly knowing what exactly is going on, grabs the laptop and runs, motioning for me to follow him. We reach the kitchen, where he sets the laptop down on the counter and slams the door shut, locking it before they come in.

    Fifteen seconds pass in silence. Suddenly, a thundering boom breaks the silence and the ground vibrates intensely. I jump a little, but Piko is unfazed by the explosion.

    Another ten seconds and I hear someone shouting “Go, go, go!”, followed by loud footsteps, getting even louder by the second. Piko aims the gun at the door, ready for them to burst in at any moment, whoever they are. A notification on the screen informs us that the laptop is connected to the Wi-Fi network “enomoto-home”.

    Suddenly, the door is shattered to splinters and two men in reality enforcer uniforms rush in just as Piko dives into the laptop screen with me in tow. Somehow, we pass through it. It must be one of Piko’s abilities. Seconds pass as my body flies through a multicolored void at speeds that I’d never experienced before, and I’m almost screaming from the sensory overload, but as soon as we fall out of another screen everything is fine again, and I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who seem to have anticipated our arrival.

    “This is Kizuna Akari, the one I’ve been talking about,” Piko announces, then turns to me. “Akari, I’ll get you up to speed later. For now, just stay with me.”

    At that point, I know I’m in the right place.
    - x -

    Capture: Ditto (Reduced to Hard for Secret Santa)
    Characters: ~17,100

    Obscure-as-all-heck References:
    Spoiler:

    • Djervi is a letter of the Glagolitic alphabet
    • Piko and Akari are Vocaloid voicebank characters
    • Kizuna Akari's VOICEROID2 release date was December 22, 2017
    • Her first outfit change references her intentional similarities in character design to Yuzuki Yukari, another Vocaloid/Voiceroid by AH-Software
    • Enomoto is a reference to the Kagerou Project character Takane Enomoto; Kagerou Project is a franchise based off a series of Vocaloid songs by Jin
    • Edogawa-Aikou is the standard kanji reading of the name of Vocaloid producer Edgar Lovecraft
    • The Sunward electronics store is a reference to the name of Vocaloid producer Hinata Electric Works
    • Mikagura Suite Jewelers is a reference to Mikagura School Suite, an anime based off a series of Vocaloid songs by Last Note.
    • Loglandic Street is a reference to the conlang Loglan, the precursor to Lojban
    • Octothorpe is another name for the symbol #; this is a reference to something else but I am contractually obliged not to reveal what it is for fear of being banned from that group
    • The "multicolored void" is however definitely not a reference to the seizure-inducing Dennou Senshi Porygon episode, but to the same thing as the Octothorpe reference

    Last edited by W32Coravint; 01-16-18 at 10:08 AM.

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    INTRO

    Alrighty here we go! So, I actually really like the opener. I usually strongly stand behind the concept of “Show don’t tell” but here, I think you did a good job of throwing the reader into a new world. You knew it’d be a lot and you broke it down really well for the reader!

    Most of the portals are one-way, and there are far more entrances to the Plane than exits. In addition, the exits are much harder to find; only three bidirectional gateways are known.


    I liked the way you described the portals. I know they are a very basic set of sentences for describing them, but that’s why I like them. You cut to the chase and don’t waste the reader’s time with exposition as to how they found the portals. I’d almost compare your introduction to sort of almost feeling like Avatar: The Last Airbender’s. It paints the world then transitions into the protagonist. Well done!

    -

    Reykjavik entrance and the Saharan gateway, the city of Centelith in the Djervi region of Glagolia lies at the exact center of one.


    From this point in the story, we only know the names. Sahara, Russia and the South Pole are pretty well known real world locations, so I can understand not describing them. But Centelith, Djervi, Glagolia and Reykjavik? I don’t have any clue about them.

    From one search, I can assume Glagiola is a real micronation. But as much as I don’t know about them or the reader doesn’t, I want to encourage you use obscure real world locations. Just try and work on describing them a bit to the reader, how has this place reacted to the portal? Is it bustling because of travellers? Or is it a ghost town trying to hide away from the portal? Heck, even some geographical info could give the reader some perspective on this. Sandy? Dry? Is there foliage of any kind? I know you described its full of immigrants, and other things, but what is it like compared to the rest of the world too? It’s hard for me to specify what exactly to add, because it’s up to you. My point is to try and make it so these names mean something to the reader.


    -

    There are, however, stable regions where reality is, for lack of a better term, more coherent than the standard levels in the Plane, as they are on Earth.


    Earlier you hint that the laws of reality are more lax, and tell the reader that many people in the Plane have powers. But how about some examples of reality itself? You state that most of the Plane is incoherent. Do trees grow sideways? Is send purple? Small details can give readers a ton of ideas on a world. I know I said I was glad you did not spend a lot of time on exposition, but sometimes it IS necessary. With the portals it was not, with this, it could be considered so!


    STORY

    I knew my name was Kizuna Akari, but that was about it. The one-bedroom apartment wasn’t mine - it belonged to someone by the name of Enomoto, according to several documents I found scattered on the bed, and whoever that was seemed to have left the town in a hurry.


    Right away, you transition seamlessly into this scene. Well done! On top of that, you draw the reader in further with a mystery: “Enomoto”

    Speaking of Enomoto.

    Enomoto had left a wad of cash and her smartphone, both of which I took with me.


    How do we know Enomoto is a girl? Keep your genders vague if the character is not known yet! It helps add to the mystery and helps the knowledge of the character seem more realistic. ESPECIALLY since this is from a first person perspective.

    -


    When I awoke, I was wearing a white jumpsuit.


    So, this next paragraph doesn’t really have anything technically wrong! But I just wanted to suggest to maybe combine the beginning of this one with the last one. Especially since it’s already been stated that they had awakened, and had wandered around the room. From how you wrote it, it’s almost as if the character went back in time to the beginning of the transition and then leaped forward past that same paragraph.

    -

    I wondered if I could turn into a cat, and in another flash of light my point of view lowered itself.


    Technically fine as well! But it made me wonder, why a cat? What made the thought of that specific animal pass through their mind? It’s a very small detail, but it makes the depth of the scene much deeper, as it isn’t just some random cat.

    Example:

    I saw a cat pass by on the streets below. As I thought of the creature, and tried to imagine their perspective, I found myself on all fours with paws.

    It has the possibility of adding some life to the environment around the character as well!

    -

    I realized the cash I got from the apartment wasn’t going to last me forever, but I couldn’t get a job anywhere due to my lack of qualifications and suspicious missing background. After applying to almost every location in the city that looked like they were even remotely willing to hire me, I didn’t get accepted by any of them.

    It’s now late February.


    Quite a jump!!!! How did the owners of the apartment accept rent from this random person? Contracts are usually filled out when moving into one, so it seems fishy that they stayed there. And even if they paid when the landlord came to the door, what else happened while living here? It’s been two months, did they just simply hide away for that long? I know jobs are lacking, and that’s fine, but I feel as if more detail could be put into this. I think showing an interaction between them and someone interviewing them would have helped. There are many jobs that have no qualifications, so it would be fun to see our character get some depth as they struggle through some interview, and fail to get the job.

    You did an amazing job early on with pacing! But right here threw me for a loop and pulled me out a bit! Within a paragraph we skip by two months! It wasn’t something like.. For example:

    We hid for two months from the zombies, only coming out when food was required.

    (This could also help lengthen your story out to the 20k Minimum.)

    -

    The money I found in the apartment is almost running out thanks to the ridiculous cost of living here, and I’m already getting really desperate - I started planning to rob a jeweler’s a week ago. The establishment is called “Mikagura Suite Jewelers”, and they offer jewelry at relatively affordable prices. It’s located near the main street, on Third Avenue, which branches off the main street in the direction of the slum area.


    Good descriptions! But how did they find this location? Why did they find it? What lead them to want to rob this specific location? There are a lot of factors here, especially for a jewelry store in a magical world. Imagine the security! I know you discussed the guards and their schedules a bit further on, but I feel like there has to be more than just that.

    The reason I’m picking this apart so much is because these are a few spots that seemed rushed. The actual plotline makes sense, but it definitely feels like your glazing over the details to reach the finish. I do want to remind you I actually have zero issues with the plot itself so far, just the “how?” factor.

    -

    The plans for the robbery, while they make sense, feel a bit overwhelming to read. As I stated before about security, you overwhelm the reader with details rather than give it to us piece by piece. It would have been better to learn the guards and the rest of the jewelry store’s security in one section, then how the protagonist would handle it in a separate. Overall though my section would be to break it down like this:

    -Security Detail
    -How can my powers be used for stealing?
    -Both of those together to form the plan for the heist.

    It’s always better to give the reader information piece by piece, or in a broken down way to help them digest it all.

    -

    Soon enough, at 2:44, I see the guards checking their watches, waiting for them to be able to change their shifts so they can have lunch.


    I think it would have been a good scene here, to show the guards having a conversation or something. Show! Don’t tell!

    but I quickly grab the golden chain from the display case I unlocked and run out of the store, all in what I think is under sixty seconds.


    Give us the feeling of the fast paced actions, don’t tell us. Have everything happen in what seems like a blur for example then say something like:
    “2:56, I was shocked to see only a minute had passed.”

    -

    As soon as I turn the corner, instead of the guards, a bunch of guys in weird paramilitary uniforms are waiting for me. They must be the secret reality-enforcement agents.


    I like how you bring them along from earlier on in the story, but I think we need more than just an early on mention of them to justify their appearance here. I assume it has something to do with the protagonist’s powers, but something in the world should allude to that, rather than the narration from early on.

    -

    Next up is a bunch of action and running! And what’s this? A new character??

    I have no qualms with this scene except for nitpicks!

    what appears to be a gun from a video game,

    What game? This could be hundreds of different kinds of guns! Be specific!

    The laptop is still booting up into Windows 7.

    For non-technical people, what does this look like? When Windows starts it says something along the lines of “Welcome to Windows” I don’t think until Windows 10 it states its title. Even then! Does the operating system matter? (it could also be an easter egg!) Even if it’s a small connection to the real world, I think you should find a way to describe it rather than saying what it is.

    he whispers as he lets go of my hand, runs over to a cabinet, opens it, and turns on a switch inside.


    How does he know the router is there? I can maybe assume he’s been here before due to the mystery of Enomoto, but it seems odd that he would know so perfectly where it was.




    LENGTH

    14k!

    MCR: 20k

    Not enough, but that doesn’t always matter.

    GRAMMAR

    according to several documents I found scattered on the bed, and whoever that was seemed to have left the town in a hurry.


    If you are listing things off, that’s when you use “and” after a comma.

    -

    he whispers as he lets go of my hand, runs over to a cabinet, opens it, and turns on a switch inside.


    Forgot a capital h

    THE VERDICT

    This was a great opener for a chapter based story! You had a single event take hold of the chapter, but kept mysteries open to continue the story and transition seamlessly! Well done! Sadly, Ditto has no passed. This is mainly due to the length. Length alone does not define your story, but as I said above, I see many situations where I think you COULD have lengthened the story out easily by at least 5k. Glazing over details and rushing between scenes should never happen. Always take extra time to paint out scenarios. You may know what’s happening in your head, but the readers are getting all of the information from you. I hope to see more!!! Because this is super cool!!!
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  5. #5
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    STORY


    cutting the intro business! Looks like you cleaned up the intro where you needed to, by going into a bit more detail regarding the Plane and the different kinds of places! Nice!


    -


    A photo of a small housecat with a spotted off-white coat sitting on a stool hung on the wall above the sofa.
    Sorry if I came off forcefully! I didn’t mean, this part here feels like you added this in just to check off a box of things I critiqued. Maybe that is or isn’t the case, but that’s my perspective. My goal as a grader is to suggest different things for you to improve your writing. Although I give the final say on the capture, I try my best to help push you along to further your skills.


    This here, is something grader’s don’t like to see. It looks like an afterthought because you wanted to meet my criteria. My idea for the cat was just a suggestion. Although I probably would have had a problem if you kept it the same, haha.


    Though, While this scene was a little forced in correction department, how you executed the transition of changing clothes was well done!


    -


    Reading through, I see that you changed a LOT of the scenes leading up to the heist.


    I really enjoyed that you gave a bit of a connection to future events with Akira transforming! The paramilitary units trying to check her gave just enough connection to the later events to not make it feel as out of the blue, nice job!




    You also did a swell job of beefing up your heist planning, Also nice!


    I do want to reiterate though what I said above, don’t feel forced to do exactly what I say. A lot of the corrections done here feel like very specific changes just to cater to me.


    Take a step back when you write, and maybe outline your plot, and then tackle it. The outline is the overall story. Then imagine the details as coloring in the picture, how does your story transition from Point A to Point B? How do we do this in a believable way that works with the protagonist, antagonist, and their desires?


    -


    LIKE THIS!!!!


    , I transform the back of my jacket into a makeshift hang glider, and as soon as I get to the edge I jump off the top of the twelve-story Edogawa-Aikou Building,

    This was really cool! It felt creative and unique… but most of all it felt like you writing it! I want to see more stuff like this! (Obviously not every scene can be someone jumping off an office building.) I want to see you write more of things that you enjoy, and this scene definitely gives off the impression that you enjoyed writing this.


    -


    You then fleshed out the chase scene quite a bit, nice! It makes it feel much more realistic.


    You also changed that whole router thing! The comment Akira made actually was pretty cool, it leaves a small hint of mystery to just WHO the Line Artists are! Nice job.


    -


    Seconds pass as my body flies through a multicolored void at speeds that I’d never experienced before, and I’m almost screaming from the sensory overload,

    I liked the descriptions here. That’s all!




    GRAMMAR


    Where in other regions you may be able to Located almost exactly seven hundred kilometers from the two nearest portals,

    you may be able to *locate* almost exactly






    THE VERDICT


    Overall! You did good changes. I did notice however, that some parts felt like you did them to please me! I know writing a BUNCH is hard, I can barely do it. But when we have scenes at the end with cool visuals and awesome chase scenes, then we have a forced in moment about a cat, I know you’re not taking advantage of your strengths. From what I read, you definitely seem to enjoy a LOT of the anime esque scenes. The cool chases, the interactions between characters, the overall plot, you need to take advantage of these strengths. (Perhaps you think your strengths are different! And if so, use the ones YOU enjoy.) You have a TON of potential, and with a story this big, you can only go up!


    Ditto captured! Best of luck to the future of the series.
    "Take Care of Yourself"

    STATS

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