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Thread: Water Mart [updated] [initially started on BMG]

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    Default Water Mart [updated] [initially started on BMG]

    Target Pokémon: Azurill

    Target CC: 5k-10k (Easiest)

    Actual CC: 5,641 (MS Word)

    Water Mart

    It was a special day for a young Azurill named Vanessa. Not only it was her birthday, but it was also the day of her evolution; finally, she will have arms. It was the transition from childhood to adolescence for her, and she was very excited for that. Her parents brought her a birthday cake and she celebrated with her friends.
    A few days after her birthday, Vanessa was looking for some work. Unlike humans, Pokémon who work mostly do so in exchange of Berries. While these can be found on trees, urban Pokémon avoid wild Berry fields as they want to avoid fighting wild Pokémon. Living in the city for generations have led urban Pokémon to act more like humans, learning to speak and being less skilled at battles. Since the Azurill line matures much faster than humans, an individual who just evolved into a Marill can start working immediately. After some searching, Vanessa landed a job as a cashier at Aqua Mart.
    Aqua Mart is a shop run by Water-type Pokémon that sell items found in the sea for Trainers who have Water-types. These items include Water Stones, Mystic Waters, and Mega Evolution Stones. The shop is located in Sunnyshore City, a port city located in the east of the Sinnoh region. After battling the local Gym Leader Volkner, many Trainers go to this shop before heading to the Pokémon League, so they need to buy crucial items before facing their opponents at the League Conference.
    For Vanessa, her work could be challenge. While she enjoys her job, it could get stressful sometimes. The number of costumers can get overwhelming, as there are only two cashiers per shift. She also suffers from PADHD, an ADHD-like disorder that affects Pokémon. So, it’s easy for her to make mistakes while computing. Her friends and colleagues sometimes need to point out her computation mistakes for her.
    Suddenly, she saw a blonde-haired Trainer running towards the checkouts and colliding with the one on the right.
    “Are you in a rush or something?” asked Vanessa who’s behind the checkout the was hit.
    “Of course, I am! I need to get to the Pokémon League.”
    “And what may I do for you?”
    “I want 5 Sea Incenses and one Water Stone.”
    “Here they are, that would be … 15000 yen.”
    “13000 yen, Vanessa,” said her colleague and friend Cassandra, a Vaporeon.
    “Oops! You’re right!”
    “Were you trying to trick me? I will fine you!”
    “She wasn’t. It was just a mistake.”
    “Sorry, I calculated that as 6 Sea Incenses and a Water Stone, here’s your change.”
    “Anyways! Next time you see me here, I will be Champion Barry. Not even Cynthia could beat me. Have you looked at the time? I need to go fast!”

    Three Trainers came in. They were a boy with light skin, black hair and brown eyes wearing a red, black, and green hat while holding a Raichu on his shoulder, a girl with light skin, dark blue hair and dark blue eyes wearing a white beanie with a pink Poké Ball design on it, and an older boy with brown skin, black hair, and closed eyes.
    “Hello! How may I serve you?” asked Vanessa.
    “Hello! I want to buy three Mystic Water for my Floatzel,” said the youngest of the males.
    “So, how is your internship at the Pokémon Centre going Brock?” asked the girl.
    “Fine for now,” replied the eldest of the trio.
    Vanessa started typing on the checkout when she asked, “did you say you want three Mystic Waters or two?”
    “Three,” said the boy, while holding three fingers.
    “OK! They cost 6,000 yen,” she said. The boy took his wallet out of her pocket and gave the Marill the cash.
    “You don’t want some Mystic Waters for your Piplup, Dawn?” asked the boy after returning his wallet to his pocket.
    “Items are banned at Grand Festivals, Ash.”
    “Don’t be shy Vanessa. Ask him if he can treat you,”, whispered the Vaporeon to the Marill, referring to Brock. The response of her friend was an “OK”.
    “Doctor Brock!” said the Marill, getting the attention of the boy
    “I am not a doctor yet, but is there anything wrong?”
    “Well, my friend here seems to have PADHD. She has difficulty focusing on stuff and is prone to make inattention errors,” said the Vaporeon, after seeing that her colleague is struggling to come up with words.
    “I see,” said Brock before adding, “Vanessa, can you come to the Pokémon Centre after your work?”
    “Of course!”

    “Over here!” said Brock to Vanessa and Cassandra, pointing to his room in the Pokémon Centre. It was 5:15 PM, 15 minutes after the two Water-types finished their shift.
    “Don’t be nervous Vanessa!” said the Vaporeon.
    “So, Vanessa, how do you feel?” said the aspiring doctor, now wearing a medical coat while having a stethoscope hanging around his neck.
    “Fine but stressed.”
    “Is it because of your job?”
    “Yes.”
    After a quick physical examination of the Marill, Brock asked, “You have difficulty focusing. How often does that happen?”
    “Always.”
    “So, it happens outside your work too.”
    “Yes.”
    “When did you start feeling like this?”
    “Since last year.”
    “OK. Sounds like PADHD for me. However, since I am still not a licensed doctor yet, I will have to consult with Nurse Joy. Can you wait for me here?”
    “Yes,” said the two Water-types.

    After a few minutes, the medical intern came back holding a piece of paper.
    “Here’s a piece of paper from Nurse Joy prescribing some medicine to you. You have to take it once everyday. She also recommends you take a break for one week,” said the aspiring doctor.
    “Thanks future doctor Brock!” said Vanessa.
    “You’re welcome!”

    A few month later, seeing how Vanessa has improved at her work, the boss of Water Mart, a Starmie, has decided to appoint her as assistant-manager. The Marill has come a long way and is now doing well at her job. Cassandra too was doing well, leading her to get the same promotion as her friend.

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  3. #2
    ♥Fiction♥ URPG Staff Smiles's Avatar
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    claiming as stated ^^

    ❤ MISTRAL IMMORTAL ❤

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    Regrade

    Overall, this is a very smooth and improved piece from the last time! We have a central focus this go-around: Vanessa, and her first few experiences on her journey as a Marill. I love what you did with the first few paragraphs of this story; compared to the last installment, we know exactly what the Water Mart is, who Vanessa is, and why she's working at the Water Mart. Her experience with PADHD is much more clarified here, and even becomes a facet of her that is developed throughout the story. She works on it, she makes mistakes at the mart, but she keeps on chugging through, to the point of promotion at the end. Very nice. You had a central focus throughout all of this, which definitely made it an enjoyable story!

    I suppose I question why the doctor at the end decides to diagnose her when we as readers already know she has this - but this is definitely not a big deal! There's a lot of extra little details that make up for things, like how rushed the environment is at the mart or the adventures of the trainers coming through. It's not overwhelming, but it does set a good scene. Great job! One thing on description:

    Three Trainers came in. They were a boy with light skin, black hair and brown eyes wearing a red, black, and green hat while holding a Raichu on his shoulder, a girl with light skin, dark blue hair and dark blue eyes wearing a white beanie with a pink Poké Ball design on it, and an older boy with brown skin, black hair, and closed eyes.
    I'm so happy you went the distance to describe these trainers! Now, I would just ask you to hone in a little more on their traits as people. People are made of more than skin tones, hair colors, and their clothes. What do these trainers look like and move like? What are their stances like? What we have here is a lot of descriptions that, while important, can get easily lost! Characters become more and more memorable the more unique or realistic they are, and to do that it takes some honing into what you see when you go to write them.

    Great job on fixing up the quotation mark issues from the last installment! Besides from a minor typo, it seems that you've really gotten the hang of it and have learned from last time! That type of improvement is something I really live for in Stories!

    All in all, I'm so pleased to say Azurill Captured! This story was vastly improved from the last time, and you very much deserve this mon! Congratulations, and please enjoy!

    ❤ MISTRAL IMMORTAL ❤

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