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Thread: MONARCHY: I: Hetalia/Omegaverse/Pokemon crossove

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    Default MONARCHY: I: Hetalia/Omegaverse/Pokemon crossove

    WARNING: mature themes will be included in this series later on! Nothing explicit, but there will be mentions of sex and violence.
    Pokemon attempting to capture: Magikarp
    Characters needed: 3-5,000
    Characters reached: 30,458
    Important information: Names used for the countries here are their human names.

    Gilbert = Prussia
    Ludwig = Germany
    Bertram = Germania
    Rodreich = Austria
    Elizaveta = Hungary
    Ivan = Russia
    Iyrna = Ukraine
    Natalya = Belarus
    Katarina = an OC
    Feliciano = North Italy

    ...part one

    The day was warm and quiet, one of those spring days that heralded the beginning of summer. The palace was meticulously groomed as always, down to the last blade of grass on the fields. The groundskeepers spent ages making sure everything was perfect, even if the most important inhabitants of the palace couldn't care less about what they looked like.


    A splash in a nearby pond signaled Prince Gilbert Beilschmidt's arrival. The curious face of a small Magikarp bubbled up out of the pond, and it gave a curious "karp" as the young boy's head popped out of the water. He shook his stark white hair from side to side, sending droplets of water cascading around him in an almost graceful display.


    "Gilbert," the quiet, shy voice of another young boy called out. Rodreich Edelstein peered out from behind a bush. The young Iota male was being groomed to be the Omega prince's personal "lady in waiting," for lack of a better term, and was practically attached at the hip to the much rowdier boy. He had once been considered as Gilbert's future mate, but now that Gilbert had presented as an Omega...


    Needless to say, that was not going to be happening.


    "Come swim with me, Roddy!" Gilbert called out, kicking his feet just under the surface of the water. "The water's warm... well, warm enough. Isn't that right, Fritz?" The boy turned his head towards the Magikarp who was now making its way towards him.


    "Magikarp," it said in response.


    "See, Fritz agrees with me!" The ten-year-old gave a splash in Rodreich's direction, and the other boy flinched, then motioned to his expensive-looking clothes.


    "If I go swimming in these, Mama will have my head, and Elizaveta will too," Rodreich said firmly.


    "You're supposed to take them off before you go swimming, silly," Gilbert laughed. "Come on, it's no fun swimming alone!"


    "You have Fritz," Rodreich shot back, watching as Gilbert held on to the small Pokemon's fins, allowing it to swim around with him attached firmly to it. "And you aren't supposed to be swimming, anyway. Your grandpa said you were supposed to be getting ready for your lessons, and then afterwards you're meeting that Russian boy, remember?"


    "Grandpa'll give me a break," Gilbert shrugged, letting go of Fritz and drifting away a bit in the water. He giggled as Fritz swam by his feet, tickling them with the edge of his fins. "It's such a pretty day, he knows Vati wouldn't want me to waste it inside."


    "But your Vati went to heaven, and now your Grandpa is the boss of you," Rodreich said simply. "He'll get mad again."


    "Let him get mad, I'm not going to those boring, stuffy lessons," Gilbert huffed, sinking down in the water until only his chin was visible. "They're dumb. I'm too awesome for them."


    "They're not dumb, they're important. And what about the Russian boy? What if he sees you like this?"


    "He'll just have to deal with it," Gilbert said with an affirmative nod. "If he's really supposed to be my mate like Grandpa says, then he'll just have to take me as I am."


    "Magikarp," said Fritz once more, as if echoing his owner's sentiment.


    Even though Gilbert was ten now, it was unlikely that he was going to get to go on his own Pokemon journey now. He was a Prince, after all, not a simple citizen. And he was also an Omega, a lower rank. He was supposed to be weak and feminine, not rowdy and strong. He envied his younger brother, Ludwig, who had presented as an Alpha the summer before. He got to have a life of choice.


    Gilbert, on the other hand, would have to live the life chosen for him by someone else.


    'At least I have Rodreich to order around,' Gilbert thought as he swam close to the side of the pond, then kicked away from it. 'But, he's not a lot of fun. Maybe the Russian boy will be more fun.'


    "Gilbert!"


    Gilbert winced as he heard one of the servants calling his name shrilly across the courtyard.


    "Gilbert, your lessons start in five minutes, where are you?"


    "We'd better go," Rodreich whispered, stepping out from behind the bushes and walking towards the side of the pond. "Come on, Gilbert."


    "Whatever." Once more, the white-haired boy swam over to his Magikarp companion, reaching out to brush his hand against his scales. "I'll be back real soon, Fritz, okay?"


    "Magikarp," Fritz replied, blowing a few bubbles with his mouth.


    Gilbert giggled. "You be good, okay?"


    With that, he pulled himself out of the pond, shook himself off, and grabbed his clothes which were sitting in a pile close to the edge of the pond. After a few moments of struggling with his clothes and arguing with Rodreich, he was gone, darting across the courtyard, racing the other boy to see who could get back to the palace first.


    Fritz watched them go, then slowly disappeared into the depths of the pond, a trail of bubbles left in his wake.


    ---


    "Gilbert."


    The prince huffed as he crossed his arms, standing rigidly in front of his grandfather. Bertram looked down on his grandson and sighed.


    "I told you, you were to get ready for your lessons. In what part of that did you hear 'go swimming'?"


    "I didn't, I did it because I wanted to," Gilbert replied stiffly. "And besides, it was pretty outside. Vati wouldn't have wanted me to do those dumb lessons when it's warm out like this."


    Bertram seemed to stiffen at Gilbert's mention of his father, then he closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "That may be true, but your lessons are important. And, you needed to look your best for the Braginski family. They'll be arriving soon."


    "Why should I have to do something special for them?" Gilbert argued. "If this -- Ivan boy -- is supposed to be my mate, he should accept me no matter what I look like! That's what Mutti used to say."

    "I know, but first impressions are very important." Bertram's eyes softened a bit when he noticed the way Gilbert's own red eyes shimmered and shone with unshod tears. "Go get cleaned up. You don't have to go to the lessons, but you need to be ready for the Braginski family."


    Gilbert nodded, and his head perked only the slightest bit, before running off down the hallway.


    The past few months had been almost unbearably hard on the ten-year-old. First, he lost his mother, and then his father, almost one right after the other. They had both fallen ill with a strange, vicious disease, that had taken their lives before the doctors even knew what to do. There had been a fear that Gilbert and Ludwig might get it, too, but the days passed and they showed no sign of sickness, other than the emotional sickness that overwhelmed them once they realized their parents were not coming back.


    Gilbert, as the oldest, was to take the throne as the next Queen, but he would need to be engaged before that happened. Bertram had no desire to marry his oldest grandson off at ten, but there was a serious need for him to at least be engaged to be wed before he took the throne. It was more than likely that Gilbert would be married before he turned sixteen; Bertram himself was married by that age, and his mate was expecting their eldest child. As much as he wanted Gilbert to live his childhood to the fullest, a part of him knew that as long as he was a Prince, such a thing could never happen. And an Omega prince at that.


    An Omega had not been born to the family in generations, so when Gilbert presented as one two summers before, it came as a surprise to everyone. There was a strict set of rules Omega royals were expected to follow, and Gilbert was currently following none of them. But then, he was only ten. He would learn his place in the world before long, especially with Rodreich at his side to keep him in check.


    Bertram could only hope that the Braginski family would have a suitable Alpha for Gilbert. He would have nothing but the best for his oldest grandson.


    ---


    Gilbert didn't take the fussing of the servants over him very well. He and Ludwig were alike in that regard, even though Rodreich and his sister Elizaveta loved it. Ludwig had always been a grumpy sort of child, and while Gilbert was not, he was not fond of being primped and polished.


    When the servants finally let him go, Gilbert looked at himself in the mirror. His hair had been combed meticulously after his bath, and he was dressed in some of the finest clothes he owned. He felt stuffy and strange, and tugged at the collar of his shirt as Rodreich hovered nervously behind him. At least he hadn't been forced into some puffy dress like Rodreich had. But then, you didn't really have to force Rodreich into such clothing. He often enjoyed wearing it. Gilbert didn't understand the other boy.


    "I heard the servants say that the Braginski family will be here any minute," Rodreich said to Gilbert. "How do you feel?"


    "I don't feel like anything," Gilbert replied, shrugging his shoulders as best he could in his tight outfit. He hadn't been able to escape the small corset wrapped around his waist, and he felt like it was a struggle just to breathe. "I just want this to be over so I can get back to Fritz."


    "Maybe you can show Fritz to Ivan," Rodreich suggested, moving to stand beside Gilbert rather than behind him. He fiddled with his thumbs. "After all, you're going to train him to be a really strong Gyrados, aren't you? So maybe Ivan will like him too."


    "What if he likes him so much, he wants to keep him?" Gilbert asked. "He'll want to take Fritz away from me. And I won't let him do that!" The boy stomped his foot down hard on the tile floor.


    "You don't even know what he's like," Rodreich countered. "Maybe he won't like Fritz at all."


    "That would be just as bad! If Ivan's going to marry me and love me, he's going to have to love Fritz too. Not more than me, of course, but Fritz is almost as awesome as I am," Gilbert explained. "If he doesn't love Fritz, it's a deal breaker."


    "But, you just said..." Rodreich started to say, then shook his head. "Nothing, nevermind."


    Gilbert managed a giggle at that, before he heard his name called again down the hallway. "They must be here," he mumbled to himself, and then took Rodreich's hand. "Come on, Roddy. They're going to meet you too, 'cause if they don't like you, that's a deal-breaker too."


    Rodreich blushed a little at that, but followed Gilbert without much hesitation.


    There was no way for either of them to know how much this meeting was going to change their lives.


    ---


    Gilbert bounded down the hallway, eventually letting go of Rodreich's hand so the boy could run alongside him (well, as best he could in the dress he was wearing). When he reached his grandfather's side, Gilbert came to a sudden and screeching halt, Rodreich huffing and puffing behind him.


    "You shouldn't run in the halls," Bertram lightly scolded his grandson. "Now, be still. They are coming." At Bertram's other side was Gilbert's younger brother, Ludwig, wearing a characteristic scowl on his face.


    'He shouldn't be the one scowling, I should,' Gilbert thought as he took his place beside his grandfather. Rodreich stumbled over beside him, his knees trembling a bit behind his skirts. 'He's not the one who's going to be married off to someone he doesn't even know.'


    Putting his thumb to his lips, Gilbert chewed on his thumbnail as the echoing sound of feet coming down the hallway reached his ears. His eyes went wide when he saw the procession in front of him.


    The Alphas -- Gilbert could tell even at his young age they were Alphas because of their scent -- were dressed in luxurious looking capes that billowed across the floor. One Alpha in particular stood out: a silver-haired woman in the middle. She was tall, with violet eyes that burned into whomever she chose to focus on.


    "She's scary," Rodreich whispered to Gilbert, taking his hand and hunkering down beside him. Gilbert squeezed Rodreich's hand in reassurance.


    "Your Majesty," the woman greeted when she came close, bowing down to Bertram and the boys. Gilbert continued to chew on his thumbnail with interest as she straightened up. "I have come at your behest, and I have brought my oldest Alpha son."


    "Yes, it is good to see you again, Katarina," Bertram greeted. "Now, let us see this son of yours."


    "Right down to business, then, eh?" The woman -- Katarina -- smiled, and then turned to look over her shoulder. "Ivan, come."


    'She calls for him like a Pokemon,' Gilbert thought, watching as a small silver-haired boy scooted shyly out from behind who Gilbert could only assume to be his mother. He looked just like her, right down to his piercing violet eyes, which stared at Gilbert, Rodreich, and Ludwig warily.


    "This is my only son, and the oldest Alpha of my three children," Katarina explained. "His older sister recently presented as a Theta, and I did not think she would make a good match for your Omega grandson."


    "Only the best for my boy," Bertram said stiffly. He looked over Ivan critically, inspecting him as one might inspect a Rapidash or Ponyta before buying it. "Now, we should let the children play, while we discuss more important matters."


    Katarina nodded, then looked down at Ivan, putting one hand on his head. She spoke to him in Russian, and as Gilbert was unfamiliar with the language, he couldn't tell what she was saying. Whatever it was, Ivan obeyed, turning and starting to walk towards the door that led to the courtyard.


    Immediately, Gilbert jumped forward. "Hey! You don't know the way, let me lead," he said boldly, running in front of Ivan and opening the door before the boy could get to it. Ivan jerked back at first, and Gilbert noticed how his hand trembled a bit as he did, but he nodded anyway.


    "He's kind of shy for an Alpha," Rodreich murmured to Gilbert after they had gotten a bit ahead of Ivan. Ludwig was trailing behind them, small hands curled into smaller fists as his narrowed blue eyes studied the world. He didn't seem to be fond of Ivan at all, avoiding the older boy as best he could. Even though he was only five, Ludwig exerted much more dominance than Ivan did.


    "Maybe that's a good thing," Gilbert said as they marched down to the pond. "Then I can order him around like the servants."


    Once they reached the edge of the pond, Gilbert whirled around and pointed at Ivan. "You! You haven't even asked where we're going yet. Don't you want to know?"


    "I -- I do," the boy said shakily. His Russian accent was thick. "But I -- I thought you would tell me. You remind me of my little sister, Natalya... she is a Beta and she likes to lead me around, too."


    "Well, this is my pond," Gilbert finally said. "Fritz lives here. Fritz is my Pokemon, he's a Magikarp, which is totally the most awesome Pokemon ever!"


    "You have a Pokemon?" Ivan's eyes widened. "That is very cool... I don't have one yet. Mama says I'm not... good enough for one yet."


    "Well, I'm awesome," Gilbert stated. "So of course I have a Pokemon. Maybe I'm not a trainer yet, but I will be soon, and I have to be ready."


    "Gilbert," Rodreich sighed. "You're a prince, you won't have time for Pokemon training."


    "That's not true, I've already trained Fritz a little bit!" Gilbert shot back. "Fritz, come here!"


    A few bubbles appeared at the top of the pond, before the Magikarp appeared.


    "Magikarp," said Fritz seriously.


    Gilbert beamed with pride. "See? He comes when he's called!" He reached down into the pond and patted the fish Pokemon on the head. Ludwig huffed, obviously not impressed, but Ivan...


    Ivan's eyes shone like Gilbert had brought him the moon.


    "Oh, won't he evolve into... into... what is your name for it?" Ivan asked, stumbling over his words a few times.


    "A Gyrados!" Gilbert finished. "And once he does, I'm gonna make him the best! He'll be my travelling buddy, and we'll be the best trainer and Pokemon ever!"


    Ivan clapped his hands excitedly. "And I will help, da?"


    "Of course! But you can't get in my way," Gilbert said strongly. "You have to promise to let me be the best Pokemon trainer ever. Okay?"


    Ivan nodded. "Okay!"


    Unknowingly, the two boys had made a promise that would prove harder to keep than they both intended.


    ---


    Gilbert held Ivan's hand for the first time that afternoon as he raced back towards the palace across the courtyard. He and Ivan had played with Fritz at the pond, though surprisingly, neither of them got in. Ivan seemed to have a bit of an aversion to the water, not wanting to stay around it for long, though he was interested in seeing the tricks Gilbert had taught Fritz. He showed him how he'd trained the Magikarp to respond to a few simple commands, and even shoot water out of his mouth, which excited both boys.


    Rodreich played with Ludwig away from the other two, sensing even in his young age that they needed time to be alone. One day, things were going to change drastically for the two boys, and that day would be coming soon. Rodreich and Ludwig were both wise beyond their years. When Gilbert announced he was going back to the palace to talk to their grandfather, Rodreich was quick to follow, and Ludwig trailed behind.


    "Grandpa!" Gilbert announced as he raced into the throne room, where his grandfather and Katarina still sat. "Grandpa, Grandpa! Ivan and I want to get married right away!"


    Bertram blinked in surprise at the two boys. Gilbert, with his face streaked in mud, was positively beaming, clutching Ivan's hand in his own like they were already a couple. Ivan was smiling, too, for the first time since he arrived at the palace.


    "You boys are a bit young for that right now," Bertram explained. Katarina only smiled, though her eyes seemed distant. "You will both need to wait until you mature a bit more."


    "But once we get married, Ivan's going to help me with my Pokemon journey!" Gilbert exclaimed. "We're going to go together! That way, we can both be awesome -- well, I'll still be the most awesome, but Ivan will be pretty awesome too!"

    Katarina and Bertram both looked at each other with a mixture of shock and surprise, before Bertram looked down at Gilbert.


    "Gilbert," he said seriously. "Your duty is here, at the palace. Not as a Pokemon trainer."


    "I'm going to be Queen, aren't I? That means I can do whatever I want!" Gilbert puffed his chest out. "So I can go on a Pokemon journey if I want to!"


    "He should be allowed to go," Ivan chimed in. "He's going to make Fritz the strongest Pokemon ever!"


    "Ivan," Katarina snapped suddenly, eyes narrowing at her son. "As an Alpha, it is your job to keep your Omega in line. Do you understand? His duty is here. You will be the next King, and as such, your duty will be here as well. You will have to maintain an entire kingdom."


    "We -- we can do that, and be Pokemon trainers," Ivan said, his voice shaking, but still remaining firm. "I promised Gilbert I would let him go!"


    Katarina's eyes flashed dangerously, but Bertram held out a hand and said to her quietly, "They have not yet matured. Once Gilbert experiences his first heat, and Ivan his first rut, they will understand."


    "...alright," the Alpha female finally sighed. "But, until then, my son stays with me. They will be wed two weeks after they mature."


    "Understood." The old King bowed his head, and Katarina bowed hers in return. Then, she turned to her son.


    "Ivan, come now. You'll see Gilbert again very soon."


    It took some persuasion, but Ivan finally let go of his betrothed's hand, looking over his shoulder as he followed his mother.


    "I promise, we will be the best together," Ivan called to Gilbert.


    Gilbert smiled and waved back at Ivan. "Together!"


    ---


    That night, when everyone had gone to sleep, Gilbert snuck out and made his way down to the small pond. As if knowing what he was there for, Fritz appeared, blowing bubbles from his mouth.


    "Fritz! I'm going to make you the strongest Pokemon in the world, I promise," Gilbert whispered, reaching out and petting the top of Fritz's head.


    "Karp, Magikarp," Fritz said.


    "Yeah, you, me, and Ivan. We're gonna be the best team ever."


    If only Gilbert could know, if only he could see, how much things were going to change.

    ...part two



    Two summers later, Gilbert's life changed forever.


    He and Ivan kept in touch, though they didn't see each other much over those two years. They wrote letters to each other, filled with hopes and dreams and promises that had yet to be sullied.


    But then, it happened, and something inside of Gilbert changed.


    For the first time, he went into heat a few weeks after his twelfth birthday, and all at once, he knew nothing was ever going to be the same again.


    When he emerged from his room after five days of agony, he was immediately greeted by Rodreich, who held his hands clasped together in front of his chest.

    Rodreich had been through his first heat at the tender age of eleven, so he was already familiar with how the whole process worked. He knew that Gilbert was probably in no mood to be bothered, but this was important.


    "What?" Gilbert muttered, looking at his friend with lidded eyes.


    "Your grandfather has sent for Ivan," Rodreich said nervously, fiddling with his thumbs again. It was a bad habit that his parents and sister had tried to get him out of, to no avail. "Gilbert, don't you remember? You're going to be married in two weeks!"


    Gilbert stared at Rodreich blearily. "Married... oh! Right, the promise Grandpa made to Katarina. I remember it now."


    "You've been writing letters to him for two years, how could you forget?" Rodreich asked exasperatedly. Gilbert tilted his head in response, and Rodreich sighed. "Alright, nevermind that now. I'm supposed to be getting you ready."


    "Why? It's a few days travel from there to here," Gilbert said dismissively. "Besides, I'm tired, and I only came out to get food. It feels like I haven't eaten in a week."


    "I know, but... Katarina sent Ivan's sisters ahead of them," Rodreich explained. "She... wants to make sure you are pure. That you have matured, and that you haven't... spent any time with anyone else."


    Still being only twelve and largely innocent at the time, Gilbert asked, "What do you mean?"


    Rodreich shook his head. "You'll see. They're waiting for you in the throne room."


    The two boys made their way to the throne room once Gilbert had gotten dressed in something more "presentable." Rodreich urged him to wear something nice, and while it wasn't nearly as nice as what he wore the first time he met Ivan, it was close. Gilbert would swear that he only wore it to keep Rodreich from worrying so much that his poor little heart exploded.


    When they got there, Gilbert immediately noticed the two girls standing in front of his grandfather. One looked to be about sixteen; the other, no older than eleven. The younger huffed and turned her head away from Gilbert as he walked in the room. In her arms, she held a small doglike Pokemon; Gilbert recognized it from his books as a Lillipup.


    "You're not much to look at, for a Prince," she said.


    The older girl immediately bowed her head, then spoke to both Bertram and Gilbert, "Please forgive Natalya, she does not realize the importance of this meeting. She is still young, you see?" She straightened up, then, and looked right at Gilbert. Her pale violet eyes reminded him so much of Ivan that he almost got excited.


    "I don't think he's good enough for Ivan," Natalya huffed once more, turning her face away. Bertram chuckled softly at her display.


    "Well, we can put those fears to rest now," he said, getting up slowly from his throne. "My grandson is pure and mature. He understands just how important this is." Bertram fixed Gilbert with a stare that clearly told him he would not hear anything else on the subject.

    Gilbert only managed to nod in response. His future with Ivan hinged on this meeting, he could tell just from how serious his grandfather and Rodreich were acting (though Rodreich was still flitting about like a nervous Pidgey). Ivan had promised Gilbert that he wouldn’t get in his way, that he would let the boy do as he pleased. Gilbert wasn’t sure if he could find another suitor who would treat him that way. Like he was an equal, and not something to be claimed.


    He was starting to learn the traditional role of an Omega, in a strange roundabout way.


    The white-haired boy went stiff as the older girl approached. She wore a kind smile, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes. “I am sorry for not introducing myself earlier, I am Iryna, Ivan’s older sister.”


    Gilbert nodded. He could feel the corset digging into his back and ribs painfully. “I remember your mother talking about you when you came,” he said, surprisingly polite for once. Rodreich stopped his nervous flitting for a moment while Gilbert spoke. “You are the one who presented as a Theta.”


    “Yes. My Alpha mother hoped that I would be an Alpha, or perhaps a Beta, like Natalya,” Iryna said softly. “But, that is not important. What is important is you.”


    Gilbert couldn’t stifle the shiver that went down his spine at her words. Then, she reached out, and with hands that felt like ice, gently touched his cheeks. Iryna smiled.


    “Your skin is very soft,” she said, almost as if she was inspecting an object or a Pokemon. “And your eyes are still bright with innocence, but you have experienced great sorrows in your life. Still, you smell pure, and fresh. I take it you had your first heat recently?”


    Gilbert nodded, his face flushing a bit red. “Yes — it ended yesterday.”


    “Only yesterday, and you are this composed?” Iryna’s face brightened. “You certainly are mature, if that is the case. Mother will be pleased.”


    He felt a bit relieved at that. From what Ivan wrote in his letters, Katarina was very rarely pleased with anything.


    “Have you ever spent time alone with an Alpha, or any other Uppers?” Iryna continued her questioning.


    Gilbert paused. “Well… there’s Elizaveta, but we rarely see each other anymore.” Rodreich’s sister had left not long after her tenth birthday to start her Pokemon journey, and he had barely seen her since. “And… does Grandpa count? He’s an Alpha. My little brother Ludwig is an Alpha too, he’s the only one I really spend a lot of time with.”


    “Family is fine, I meant more along the lines of… unfamiliar, or non-familial Uppers,” Iryna explained.


    Gilbert shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”


    “And I suppose you have yet to assemble a courtship?”


    Gilbert paused. “I… really only have Rodreich,” he admitted. “A-and Grandpa told me that Ludwig’s betrothed would be a part of my court one day, too. His name is… Feliciano Vargas.”


    “That is fine, you are still a bit young for that,” Iryna said. She turned her head towards Bertram and smiled. “He is good. Pure, unsullied, and his hips are widely curved. Good for bearing strong Uppers.”


    At that, Gilbert’s face truly went red as he shuffled his feet, resisting the urge to call out to Rodreich for some help. If he hadn’t been aware of it before, he certainly was now. He knew exactly what Ivan’s family wanted from him.


    “Of course he is, he is my grandson,” Bertram stated simply. He angled his head down towards Gilbert. “You and Rodreich may go now. Ivan will not be here for another few days, and you must be tired.”


    Gilbert nodded, and turned on his heel to walk briskly out of the room, Rodreich following him without having to be told twice.

    ---

    A few days later, when Gilbert was sitting down by the pond, his life changed yet again.


    He had taken off his shoes and socks and allowed his feet to drop down into the water. Fritz swam around them, occasionally coming close enough to brush against Gilbert’s feet. He giggled lightly, blissfully unaware that someone was walking up behind him.


    “Hello, Gilbert.”


    Gilbert twisted around just in time to see Ivan, standing there before him, the ends of his scarf twisting gently in the nearly-summer air. Looking back on it, it was almost funny that the first thing Gilbert noticed about him was his scarf. He remembered being confused because it was so warm outside; there was no need for a scarf.


    Then, he allowed his eyes to take in the rest of Ivan’s body.


    The best way to describe the Russian boy’s change would be: he got huge. Gilbert was still sitting down, but he knew that when he stood up, Ivan would still tower over him. His scent had changed, too; it had gotten deeper, more masculine and powerful. It was almost overwhelming. If it hadn’t been for those piercing violet eyes, Gilbert might not have recognized his betrothed.


    “You’ve… matured,” Gilbert said, choosing to use the word he’d been hearing so much of lately. He stood up, pulling his feet out of the pond and taking a few steps to close the distance between himself and Ivan. “I mean — grown up.”


    “So have you,” Ivan murmured. He buried his face in his scarf for a moment, then peeked out at Gilbert. “In — in a good way, that is.”


    They were both silent for a few moments, and it stretched between them like a valley.


    “Mother says we are getting married soon,” Ivan said quietly.


    “Yeah… you haven’t forgotten your promise to me, right?” Gilbert asked suddenly, some of that tough cockiness returning to his voice. “That you wouldn’t get in my way? That you’d let me do what I had to do?”


    Ivan nodded. “I still want to help you,” he said. “But I — I want to protect you now, too.”


    “I don’t need protecting,” Gilbert huffed. “Elizaveta taught me how to fight. I’ll be okay.”


    “But what if some other Alpha wants to steal you from me?” Ivan blurted out, then covered his mouth with his hands once he realized what he’d said. “I — I mean — well — ”


    “You don’t have to worry,” Gilbert said strongly. “I, um… I won’t let someone else steal me away. We’re getting married, aren’t we? That means we’ll be together, forever and ever, until we die.”


    He stepped forward, taking Ivan’s hands in his own. Ivan squeezed them as gently as he could manage, and suddenly Gilbert felt very small next to him.


    “Okay… okay,” Ivan murmured, meeting Gilbert’s eyes for only a second before looking away. Gilbert’s eyes burned so bright with fiery determination, Ivan simply didn’t know what to do with the other boy.


    Gilbert took a deep breath.


    “After all, I love you, Ivan.”


    Looking back on it, it was silly. There was no way a twelve year old understood the true meaning of love. But for those two boys, it didn’t matter.


    As far as they were concerned, they were in love.
    Last edited by Smiles; 12-04-17 at 01:04 AM.

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    INTRO


    So, right of the bat, I want to say that your introduction is stronger than the last one. Why? Well, consistency! You took the time to establish the setting, giving the reader vision of the place before them. And with this introduction, you show us a peaceful place, a place that is care free. A great connection to the dynamics of the characters!


    -


    The next paragraph introduces Prince Gilbert. To be honest, this paragraph was a little hard to follow. We are given the sensory detail of splashing water, then a magikarp is shown. It makes sense slightly, as the Magikarp is reacting to the character’s arrival, but it feels jumpy and hard to follow.


    Example:
    A movie introduces a character. He takes a step forward. Before we get any reading of who this character is, the camera jumps to a nearby tree where a bird sits. The bird chirps then goes back to the character.


    When introducing a character, all focus should be on the character. You give us their name and that they rose from the water, then turn the focus for just a split second to a completely different character. This made it hard to follow. Something I think you could have done would be to dedicate this paragraph to the curiosity of the Magikarp. Have something bubble or splash. Make the reader AND the magikarp wonder just whose coming. This would then transition nicely into an introduction, as all focus would be on Prince Gilbert.


    The same can be said for Rodrich Edelstein. Something to note is, what does this name mean? How can we put a face to a name and vice versa? You should look to establish a character outside of their connection to the protagonist. Mind you, this is only the introduction, but right away most details stated involve their relationship with Gilbert.


    Maybe not the next story or even the one after that, but sometime you should try to experiment with singular characters. This was also apparent in your Durant story. Characters build off of one another and grow due to their dynamic, but never seem to grow alone. I’m not saying drop character dynamics and relationships. You do these very well and should continue to master this! I do however think that this at times can be a crutch rather than a blessing to your story. Just something to consider!


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    So I’ll be straight up honest!


    This story already shows immense growth in your writing. The way you handle dialogue, the natural interactions between characters, establishing the setting. It all works so much better and is executed quite nicely! Great job here.


    STORY


    This was a pretty overall issue and not unique to the introduction so I’ll talk about that first. You have a LOT going on in this world. While you do a better job of establishing what's in front of us; the reader’s perspective of the setting and the character. I think your next goal should be to show the details of your world within the story.


    Issues I found, things that need some explanation.


    -“Prince” Gilbert. Royalty has its issues, but what in this story’s world makes it that he is trapped living a life that he does not want to live? What does he hate about this lack of freedom? Why does he hate it?


    -Ludwig. The name is casually mentioned as his brother and that he is free. Nothing else. This normally isn’t as big of an issue, but the next point will tackle that.


    -What is an Alpha? What is an Omega? Early on a document was an attached to explain these things. While that is fine and all, I think that should be avoided. You must learn to explain things in your own words so that the reader understands. Readers should not have to do extra research to understand or enjoy your story.


    If you don’t take the time to explain it, why should we, as the readers, take the time to research it ourselves?


    -


    So again, you did the thing where you show dialogue but no speaker. This gets really confusing! Try and work on this.


    -


    "I told you, you were to get ready for your lessons. In what part of that did you hear 'go swimming'?"




    "I didn't, I did it because I wanted to," Gilbert replied stiffly. "And besides, it was pretty outside. Vati wouldn't have wanted me to do those dumb lessons when it's warm out like this."

    This is gonna be a toughy to explain, but it’s a very common issue in writing dialogue that I see. Heck, I still do it!


    Gilbert’s response to his Grandfather’s question is very… robotic.


    So how it reads and how it seems the character is responding. It’s almost as if Gilbert is reading the dialogue along with us. It’s a hard habit to get into, but it’s very important to keep in mind that Gilbert can use all his senses. Especially hearing. We cannot.


    He answers it like he is reading it.


    “I didn’t.” Would make much more sense if it was “I didn’t hear go swimming, I just wanted to.” This is very small, and maybe not the best example. But make sure that your characters reply properly to the dialogue. Make sure they react to their surroundings too.


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    Next is the explanation for his parent’s deaths. Shoving both into a single paragraph seems rather rushed. Especially when you hint at a mysterious disease that could or could not foreshadow something. It was strong enough to even be considered a risk to Gilbert and Ludwig! Which is quite a big deal!


    Things to think about!


    •How did the deaths of their mother and father affect them? More importantly, what were their relationships like when they lost them?
    •How did the kingdom react to this? These characters are royalty and public image is obviously a concern. How did Gilbert and Ludwig handle the panic of the people?
    •What are the emotions these two felt. Were they both heartbroken? Terrified? Stoic and willing to take action for their kingdom? I think it’s very important to discuss the loss of their family and shock it had on them. The issue of being thrust into responsibility is quite big. As is the risk of disease looming over the only heirs. Try to express this! Make the readers feel Dread! Sorrow! Worry!


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    In the next section’s opening, we are given another name! Please be sure to give a face to a name or make the name relevant.


    No one likes a story where someone goes. “I ran a mile, and my cousin Bob was there too!” Bob adds nothing to the story here. Obviously the characters here come into play later on, but if you want to mention them, find a more natural way like dialogue. If they are a part of this written world make them feel like a part of it!


    Funnily enough, you do this! You do it well in fact! How the characters discuss Ivan before meeting them is exactly what I mean. Make their presence in the story known! Don’t just use narration. Show, don’t tell!


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    "What if he likes him so much, he wants to keep him?" Gilbert asked. "He'll want to take Fritz away from me. And I won't let him do that!" The boy stomped his foot down hard on the tile floor.

    I have mixed feelings about this scene. I think it adds a very good inner conflict for Gilbert, yet it feels rather… childish? And from what we see of Gilbert, he IS immature. The issue is, this felt rather jarring and out of nowhere. The weird fierceness made sense, but there was no buildup.








    -


    There was no way for either of them to know how much this meeting was going to change their lives.



    Don’t worry, this line is fine. But it’s a good chance for me talk about something. Foreshadowing!


    Hear me out. I’m gonna be rambling here about foreshadowing and themes.


    You have Gilbert’s grandfather talk quite a bit about he wants the best for his grandson. Next, Gilbert expresses fear over Ivan liking Fritz and Rodreich. Then we just read that this meeting is going to change their lives!


    Seeing how you connected the themes together was REALLY nice and well done. I commend you for this as it really makes this story feel connected. The exploration of public image and standards is extremely interesting, and you did such an impeccable job of exploring this with the characters you have written.


    I do however, think you could have some foreshadowing! Something small is all! Maybe something that could hint at the concept and image of Ivan. We have him built up as this huge powerful being as he is an Alpha, and the readers have no reason to think otherwise. Perhaps somewhere along the lines, a hint that not everything is what it seems. Something that could serve as an example for later. Something simple and subtle of course.


    I cannot express though, how much I love the themes in this story. Repeating myself, but it is wonderful and important.


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    Natalya calls Gilbert composed, but there has been no growth really, besides him forming a bond with Ivan. Make sure to show struggle and growth within Gilbert. Especially since this “maturity” contrasts with him stomping his feet like an angry child.


    A lot of the opening for part two feels rather…. not exactly rushed, but you were excited to get the ideas out of your head and onto the page. Take the time to write everything. Write all the small weird details. There's a lot going on in these short paragraphs where you summarize events. Take a breath and take some extra time to extend upon these thoughts. It will pay off.


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    I really hate to bring this up, but what exactly is the heat? I understand it’s an equivalent to puberty, but you’ve definitely expressed in your story genders are very fluctuating and not exactly the social norm. What is this like exactly? This also ties into explaining lore without the reliance of a summary or paragraph.


    Small thing as we get the general idea; puberty is happening. It would be… hate to say it, but nice to have a better idea.




    If I come off awkward, it’s only because I’m not sure how much requesting this straddles a safe for work setting.
    -


    They were both silent for a few moments, and it stretched between them like a valley.

    Very pretty line. I dig it.


    -


    Then we hit the ending to a very heartwarming story. I’ve expressed it quite a bit, but this story has a very good message about acceptance.


    LENGTH


    A 30k story for a 5k Magikarp. My dude, I think you got this covered.


    GRAMMAR


    Nothing from what I could see. Nice job!


    I also want to note that I noticed you stuck to your style of breaking up lines. Now that you have tweaked your writing and shown improvement. The effect here is much better and I don’t see a reason to complain about it much. If at all! Nice!


    THE VERDICT


    Well. A story of acceptance. A body positive story in a world of fluid genders. And a story filled with love. If i knew any better i’d say you’re trying to win me over. Well dangit, you have. MAGIKARP CAUGHT. Amazing job. I was actually shocked, not that I doubted you, but the contrast between this story and your Durant story is astounding. Your characters are far more fleshed out and the setting is better established. Nice job! Most things I stated were quite nitpicky, keep that in mind. You did a great job here.


    For more difficult captures though, keep in mind the Pokemon has to be more part of the story. Although Magikarp was a catalyst for their relationship, any Pokemon could have been due to Gilbert’s desires. Nonetheless, nice job my friend. Enjoy your Fritz.

    " Cause we're going to shout it loud
    Even if our words seem meaningless
    It's like I'm carrying the weight of the world "


    STATS || POKEMON || CONTESTS ||AFTER HOURS


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