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Thread: Weasel_Bacon's Bizarre Adventure Chapter 2

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    Default Weasel_Bacon's Bizarre Adventure Chapter 2

    Chapter 2

    The shop owner came out as soon as the battle ended." Hello David, That was a fine first battle you had back there." "Oh Mr. Ross I'm glad your hear!" Weasel said panicked. "What happened to that trainer I just faced." Mr. Ross glanced at the ground that weasel was staring at. "I may have an idea why don't you come into my shop and we'll chat." Mr. Ross said. Weasel followed Mr. Ross into his shop and leaned over the front check out Counter of his shop. "so do you know anything about the recent disappearances?" Weasel looked puzzled at this question. "Thought so." Mr. Ross said. "they haven't reported on it, but I noticed it throughout the year." Weasel thought about the boy he had just fought. "you don't think?" weasel said "It's possible that boy could be involved with this." Mr. Ross replied. "say are you heading to starlight city?" Mr. Ross asked. Weasel nodded. "Look, I'll tell you what, I'll give you my phone number and some potions and some pokeballs you'll need them for the forest route on the way to Starlight city." said Mr.Ross. "and do hurry night fall will be soon." Weasel headed out with snoop frogg by his side to the forest path. Once they arrived to the forest entrance, Weasel had a feeling of unease as he entered the forest. He came to a hill and overheard a loud fight taking place. He dived into a bush and peaked out to see a young trainer with a rowlet battling three girls dressed like dolls. "Big sister would love to have that adorable rowlet of yours." said one of the girls. The young trainer was surrounded by the strange looking girls. "YOU WONT GET AWAY WITH THIS!" the young trainer shouted. the three girls all sent out a purrloin. Weasel pulled out his phone and recorded the fight."GO ROWLET! USE LEAFAGE!" the young trainer shouted. The young trainer's rowlet shot out a bunch of tiny leaves but the purrloins dogged almost all of them." purloin use tackle!" the three girls said in unison. the three purloin dashed toward the rowlet knocking him down. "ROWLET NO!" screamed the young boy panicked. "USE LEAFAGE!" but it was no avail he was defeated and the young trainer was knocked out. At that moment Weasel's croagunk jumped out of the bush and unleashed a flurry of poison jabs on the purrloin, while weasel rushed to help the young trainer. Snoop frogg knocked out all the purrloin. "hey dude you ok?" weasel said. At that moment the young trainer started to dissolve into a yellow light. "pl-Please take my rowlet and don't let any of those guys ta-." at that moment the young trainer was gone and so were the three girls. weasel was horrified at the sight and so was the young trainers rowlet who was in tears. Weasel went to go comfort the rowlet who was distort with sadness. "Hey there if you come with me we can go find your trainer." Weasel said but he wasn't sure if that was true. the rowlet nodded with tears in his eyes and jumped on weasel's shoulder. As they exited the forest the sun begain to draw its last breath. Nightfall was coming soon.

    Thanks for reading leave a like if you want more
    Weasel_Bacon


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    Last edited by Weasel_Bacon; 12-02-17 at 01:11 AM.

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    Heya Weasel, and belated WELCOME to the urpg! I'm so happy to see you writing! Let's dive right into your grade!

    Story

    Overall, this is a fast-paced adventure we've jumped into! For those who may not have read part one, we actually don't know what's happening directly before this. Traditionally, authors include some way to transition between chapters - either with an opening author's note about what's happened before said chapter, a short recap right when the story starts, or by including tidbits of what happened last chapter throughout the introduction of their piece. The choice is entirely up to you! ^^ The start of any introduction should always give a reader a "hook," or a reason to stay invested in the story beyond the first line. Part of the hook for a chapter story is reeling the audience in with a cohesive image from the past, so it's a bit tricky, but even one sentence of a transition explaining the last chapter can go a long way here!

    You may want to start with: what's the main character's name here, and who was he fighting?

    Moving into the rest of your story, that fast-paced tone continues! Your chapter here follows a young trainer who learns some delicate information from a shop owner, and then continues along his quest only to witness a fight among other trainers! This has a very exciting premise! However, everything's happening a little bit too quickly for us to enjoy your marvelous ideas! I really recommend slowing down and explaining everything: what does a situation actually look like? What does the main character feel when he learns about new information from the shop owner? The shop owner - what does that guy look like anyway?

    There are certainly a ton of questions to ask! it may seem overwhelming, but to help keep things organized I suggest this small trick: separate your writing by paragraphs. Each paragraph should have something called a topic sentence, which is the main idea of the paragraph. The sentences within it then are supporting sentences that say more about your important main thought! Begin a new paragraph each time you have a topic sentence, and then fill in the details from there! Additionally, a new paragraph should also begin when a new person speaks or enters the story.

    I've broken down your story based on your topic sentences, and have bolded my questions to help guide what could be additional details that allow your writing to slow down and fill out for the readers ^^

    Spoiler:
    The shop owner came out as soon as the battle ended." Hello David, That was a fine first battle you had back there." How does the shop owner know the main character's name? What does the shop owner look like?

    "Oh Mr. Ross I'm glad your hear!" Weasel said panicked. "What happened to that trainer I just faced." What trainer? Did David win the battle? What Pokemon did he use?

    Mr. Ross glanced at the ground that weasel was staring at. "I may have an idea why don't you come into my shop and we'll chat." Mr. Ross said. Weasel followed Mr. Ross into his shop and leaned over the front check out Counter of his shop. "so do you know anything about the recent disappearances?" Weasel looked puzzled at this question. "Thought so." Mr. Ross said. "they haven't reported on it, but I noticed it throughout the year." Disappearances of who? The readers here are as confused as David may be without additional information here

    Weasel thought about the boy he had just fought. "you don't think?" weasel said What was that boy like? What made him special or interesting? What does David currently think about him?

    "It's possible that boy could be involved with this." Mr. Ross replied. "say are you heading to starlight city?" Mr. Ross asked. Weasel nodded. "Look, I'll tell you what, I'll give you my phone number and some potions and some pokeballs you'll need them for the forest route on the way to Starlight city." said Mr.Ross. "and do hurry night fall will be soon." Why is Mr. Ross helping him? When did he become Mr. Ross, and not just shop owner? How does David know him?

    Weasel headed out with snoop frogg by his side to the forest path. Once they arrived to the forest entrance, Weasel had a feeling of unease as he entered the forest. He came to a hill and overheard a loud fight taking place. He dived into a bush and peaked out to see a young trainer with a rowlet battling three girls dressed like dolls. Who is Snoop Frogg? Assume your reader doesn't know this or didn't read the last chapter. What does Snoop Frogg look like?

    "Big sister would love to have that adorable rowlet of yours." said one of the girls. The young trainer was surrounded by the strange looking girls. What do these girls look like? What does the trainer look like?

    "YOU WONT GET AWAY WITH THIS!" the young trainer shouted. the three girls all sent out a purrloin. Weasel pulled out his phone and recorded the fight. Is his name David or Weasel? Why is he recording the fight?

    "GO ROWLET! USE LEAFAGE!" the young trainer shouted. The young trainer's rowlet shot out a bunch of tiny leaves but the purrloins dogged almost all of them. Good description!

    " purloin use tackle!" the three girls said in unison. the three purloin dashed toward the rowlet knocking him down.

    "ROWLET NO!" screamed the young boy panicked. "USE LEAFAGE!" but it was no avail he was defeated and the young trainer was knocked out.

    At that moment Weasel's croagunk jumped out of the bush and unleashed a flurry of poison jabs on the purrloin, while weasel rushed to help the young trainer. Snoop frogg knocked out all the purrloin. Why was Croagunk in the bush, what does it look like, and is David still David or?...

    "hey dude you ok?" weasel said. At that moment the young trainer started to dissolve into a yellow light.

    "pl-Please take my rowlet and don't let any of those guys ta-." at that moment the young trainer was gone and so were the three girls. weasel was horrified at the sight and so was the young trainers rowlet who was in tears. Weasel went to go comfort the rowlet who was distort with sadness.

    "Hey there if you come with me we can go find your trainer." Weasel said but he wasn't sure if that was true. the rowlet nodded with tears in his eyes and jumped on weasel's shoulder. As they exited the forest the sun begain to draw its last breath. Nightfall was coming soon. Wasn't the trainer the boy? Why does the Pokemon go with him?


    This was certainly an interesting story, and by breaking things down, slowing the process and explaining events to your reader, your writing can only improve!

    Description

    URPG's rule of thumb for description is this: pretend your reader is from an alien planet and has no idea what Pokemon are! What do they look like? What do they sound like? What do they feel like when nearby? This ruling extends for our characters and settings, too. Characters, especially the main ones, deserve lots of description to help set them up in our characters' minds. For every Pokemon or person who enters your story, you want to provide at least a sentence or two of description to start with, and move on from there. What shape, what size, what color - feel free to expound upon details like clothing and sensations too! Everything goes a long way!

    As they exited the forest the sun begain to draw its last breath. Nightfall was coming soon.
    Beautiful description here!

    Grammar

    3 main takeaways for this short story - consistency, paragraph spacing, and dialogue. As for consistency, we really want to make sure we keep the names of our main characters consistent throughout the story. I believe David turned into Weasel halfway through, which certainly confused me! Keeping a consistent naming scheme will be helpful for your readers!

    Paragraph spacing was covered above, so now I'd just like to focus on dialogue. Dialogue can be tricky, but we have some tips to get started!

    Mr. Ross glanced at the ground that weasel was staring at. "I may have an idea why don't you come into my shop and we'll chat." Mr. Ross said. Weasel followed Mr. Ross into his shop and leaned over the front check out Counter of his shop. "so do you know anything about the recent disappearances?" Weasel looked puzzled at this question. "Thought so." Mr. Ross said. "they haven't reported on it, but I noticed it throughout the year."
    Whenever you have an action of speech (said, replied) connecting a dialogue tag (the part in the quotations), you want to connect the two with a comma. This applies for all except for ellipses, exclamations, and question marks. The next word thereafter would be lower case.

    this effectively becomes this:

    Mr. Ross glanced at the ground that weasel was staring at. "I may have an idea why don't you come into my shop and we'll chat," Mr. Ross said. Weasel followed Mr. Ross into his shop and leaned over the front check out Counter of his shop.

    "So do you know anything about the recent disappearances?" Weasel looked puzzled at this question. "Thought so," Mr. Ross said. "They haven't reported on it, but I noticed it throughout the year."
    Outcome

    This is certainly a fun second chapter! I'm excited to see the next, and in the meantime I encourage you to review the Writing Encyclopedia as well as other stories posted on the URPG. I firmly believe that reading others' stories is an amazing way to learn and grow in your own writing! Regardless, for now, I would say this deserves an Easiest 3K Cash Capture ^^ Feel free to im or message me at any point with questions or if you want to discuss your story more! Congratulations, and welcome again to Stories!

    ❤ MISTRAL IMMORTAL ❤

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