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Thread: Rou's War Entries

  1. #31
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    Entry #030 Stress

    Continuing on from my last journal, I spoke mostly on the topic of my dependence on Mia to retain an air of calm. Originally, my train of thought when I first started the last entry wasn't meant for that, but thats what happens in these entries. In any case, I meant to address the building stress. For years, I always thought myself as a pretty self-sustained and overall content individual. I never once thought myself to be especially happy, just content with how my life was leading and fine for the way it was going.

    Any stressful situations that had arose, I'd quickly choose to push past them, or put them behind me. I'd always forget or set it aside, never truly dealing with the thoughts and only sometimes dealing with the source. They have built up a lot over the years and Ive never once considered the eventual effect they would have on me. There have even been times, those thoughts of flowed back to me and once again, I'd find myself numb to them thanks to Mia. It never, not once, occurred to me that the numb feelings was Mia using psychic abilities on me to quash them, temporarily erasing them even if that describes it better. I'm in no way mad about it of course, because its saved me in numerous occasion's. But the constant use of it and the reservoir of these feelings are starting to overflow into my senses, feeling as thought everything I had once bottled up will overflow. All that pent up stress, is very likely to overflow and I hope, with all my being, it doesnt happen at the worst of times.


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  2. #32
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    Entry #031 Treasure Hunting pt.3?

    As of right now, the expedition into the maze has been going a bit better then expected. Typically, I would have expected things to turn very bad rather quickly, whether that was being found out or the bodyguard, Finn, to become lost. You could call me surprised that I lucked out in such fashion and that we even made it to one of the old abandoned stores of the Labyrinth. A bit sad when you think about them and the fact that people had once tried to extend the city into the Labyrinth. Dangerous, but it worked for a time before the constant shifts happened and the whole place became infested or rather territory for those that lived within. Some were a bit more stubborn about leaving then others and became lost within the maze or lost their lives outright. The ones who lived and got lost more then likely lost their minds at some point. The maze does that to you after so long.

    In any case, Finn seemed interested in some of the items lying around the shop, which was a good sign for me, showing he was a bit invested into the trip. I found a couple of items, but what really got my curiosity pumping was the extension on the shop. There was something extra built on, but before we were to explore it, something had presumably moved outside. We had both heard it, but after checking it out, there was no longer any sign of it. Something was bound to happen in the maze, we both knew that much, but rather then focus on it, we moved forward and down the tunnel. What awaited us however wasn't much, but it pointed to signs of other life living it out in these ruins.
    Last edited by Sou; 08-12-17 at 03:58 AM.
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  3. #33
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    Entry #032 Jewelry

    It wasn't until during this expedition with Finn, and he asked a question regarding the types of things I was looking for or liked that I had seriously thought about it for once. Its never been something I've thought about as such luxuries are usually reserved for civilians and its possibly, I may have buried any kind of fondness for them. Machina is full of those luxurious civilians, living in peace with their extravagant lifestyles. Many enjoy fresh water and access to food, while others enjoy that and jewelry of all kinds. Bracelets, anklets, earrings, studded pieces, rings, you name it and Machina's got it, at a price of course.

    I remember once becoming an escort for a strange older gentleman, who for who knows what forsaken reason, chose to enlist help from the enforcer's. The request? It was put it in as a fetch request, but was only to be accepted by a woman, specifically seasoned. An odd 'mission' if you would call it that and the man was even stranger by far, though thinking on it, I'm not quite sure I like the term 'seasoned' to describe me. Experienced maybe. Nonetheless, it came down to the man looking for a woman's suggestion on jewelry for his fiance. Admittedly, with my lack of experience, I had to take him to the jewelry store and look to a jeweler for advice, and before long the man was buying a decent sized diamond ring. It was the thing of fairy tales, but I remember fondly starting at a pair of ruby-encrusted-diamond shaped earrings and matching necklace. The price, I dont quite remember, but that's probably for the best.

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  4. #34
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    Entry #033 Frustration

    These past few years have felt like a crawl in comparison to when I first started out as an Enforcer. I was a different person then, true, willing to do any and everything I was told by my superiors until that incident. Days blurred together during that time, and after while I was out doing my own special expeditions all the time, the days just seemed to fly by. I remember waking up in the early mornings and before long it would feel like night was quickly approaching.

    Perhaps it was because I could do whatever I wanted then and all the little stops to eat or journal tended to eat up more time then I was aware of. Those days, when I had, what felt like no boundaries and there were no fences or people crowding around me with orders or questions. There is so much noise here as compared to the wilds and it grates my nerves just thinking about it. I don't ever feel just relaxed here, constantly on edge and constantly on the verge of snapping, but holding back from doing so. The only things to keep me sane are my writings like these and perhaps the rare soul who seems to understand these complicated feelings. Unsurprisingly, sometimes those souls happen to be other enforcers, usually Pokesoul's, whether retired or offduty. Well, sometimes I get small surprises in seeing new recruits big and small, but that either goes one of four ways. Sometimes I wish I could tell them my own real frustrations, but doing so would land me in more hot water and I already am. The strangest thing by far though, is that, at times, I imagine not caring about the consequences and leaving. Perhaps not peaceably, but thats normal right?
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  5. #35
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    Entry #034 Mia

    Even though I should be use to it after all this time, I still find myself looking at other Pokesoul's and the way they're bodies have changed to match their pokemon better. I've mentioned in the past that my transformation was very minor and for that, I can't mince words and say I'm not grateful for it. I'm fine with Mia and all, but too change too drastically would have felt as though the person I was, and survivor of my family would have been lost. My hair and eye color may have changed, but I have still retained the facial features that made me... human. Perhaps a bit sad as well, I can almost see my mother as I stare at my reflection and it brings me a slight comfort. I am not completely ignorant on what this means and how it might all seem selfish, as Mia has lost her body in sharing mine.

    I tend to do as I please, but Mia doesn't exactly have that luxury and there's few times I've actually let her take over. In a sense its not fair and I shouldn't default to things like, 'she's never asked', but it's strange. Its weird to take the backseat and watch as your body moves without you actually doing anything. Thinking on it, its been at least a few weeks since she's last taken control and usually, she just lays on the grass or stares out into the distance. Part of that being that she doesn't care for walking on two legs all that much. She's told me very little about her desires. Maybe, I should ask her, although I feel there is a strong possibility it has to do with her family.

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  6. #36
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    Entry #035 Mia pt. 2

    Even now, Mia refuses to really speak about her personal feelings. We get along fine and dont have too many arguments or disagreements these days. Perhaps that has more to do with her silence. I had thought I knew her by this point after a good number of years together and yet, it couldn't be further from the truth. In a sense, its funny as, writing this, I often say the thoughts in my head before writing them down, meaning she both sees and hears these words. Though, I still cant tell if she feels any by them or ignores them right out. In past, she'd say that I knew all there was to know about her that was important and yet, it feels like a lie more then anything. I know she had a family kits and a mate, but that's all I really know aside from the obvious things. There have been times, my body felt unwell and a great sadness would wash over my body.

    Admittedly, it would happen whenever I encountered any one of her kind and I never thought past the fact, it was a sadness for the species. Technically, it was that, but it was so much more, a reminder of whats she's lost, can never regain or see and experience like she use to. It's only taken me this long to realize it and I wonder, if perhaps she has seen me as nothing more then selfish. A part of me feels that while another believes it took this long for a reason. Perhaps, I'll find out someday.

    Last edited by Sou; Yesterday at 05:57 PM. Reason: numbering wrong on everything down
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  7. #37
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    Entry #036 Mia pt. 3?

    In the midst of thinking, I've acquired another one of these headaches I've been having a lot lately. Before, I'd have one every once in a while, attributing it to my growing stress over the years and more so since I was moved to Machina. Strange, because most of the time, my mind feels at peace with the occasional thought passing through. It feels open, and I suppose strangely empty, like a void at times, especially after any kind of emotional episode. Thinking on it, it feels a bit concerning, as I remember often never not having thoughts when I was just human. Falling asleep would prove difficult alone because of all the thoughts swirling around in my head at bedtime, whether they were happy or sad ones. I'm a bit surprised that I even remember a detail like that, but it raises a question to me regarding the state of my mind and if thats the reason for my headaches. Are they perhaps being blocked or am i unconsciously doing this to myself with my psychic abilities.

    The possibility will probably weigh on me a bit, and investigating into it further, I've found myself looking into books with information regarding Espeon. I've always thought I was proficient enough in using psychic abilities, but actually reading the logs on it and comparing my combat data, leaves a lot to be desired. According to the data, I may not have been using these abilities anywhere near half its potential, as I keep to physical attacks, when Espeon have more mental capacity. The strangest thing about all of this, is that I feel like I might have read this information before...
    Last edited by Sou; Yesterday at 05:58 PM.
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  8. #38
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    Entry #037 Realization

    Ive always ignored the numb feeling I've had, figuring it was better my mind was clear, that it was an aftereffect of the transformation. They say, at least in the books, that the mind is the greatest enemy and tool for a psychic, and so I figured, it to be an advantage. Could it be, that I haven't been operating to the best of my ability for all these years? A hard pill to swallow if it were to be true, after over 10 years of training to use my powers. They said it was enough, but perhaps, it was simply a test of control and power output.

    There were a few, come to think of it, back in those days, I believed would have been excellent enforcer's. Those Pokesoul's brimming with power and confidence, molded by strict guidelines and rules, sure to be valuable assets to the regime. At first, they were there, the classes brimming with talent, a group of twenty Pokesoul's to be made into fine soldiers. Yet, by the end of it, somehow there was only three of us from the original class to make it to the end. I never thought much of it. I figured, we just didn't make the same mistakes the others had to be. It was easy enough to follow the rules, just as they were stated every day and in our manuals. But maybe, it wasn't a mistake that forced them out of the class, but a decision on who could be reined in if things went sour. If that was the case then... perhaps its time to change that.

    Last edited by Sou; Yesterday at 05:59 PM.
    "Like the sea? Want to sail across the ocean to the end of days? Want to bring prosperity to the world?"
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  9. #39
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    Entry #038 Realization pt. 2

    Last time, i mentioned it would be a good time to change that, or rather the status quo regarding my 'stats' as someone would call them. I was told, by a good number of teachers and higher ups, that I'd be a great asset to the enforcers and that I was someone to look up for future recruits. It was something mostly meant to keep motivation high and make us feel as though we'd each make a difference in the coming years. I believed it, when I was young, just finishing my classes and just getting out into the field. I believed, that I could change the way others saw Pokesoul's and that maybe, just maybe my actions would allow us to be truly accepted. A bright and foolish thought I kept to myself as motivation to keep pushing forward. I was called 'special' and praised often for how in 'control' I was of my newfound powers and I fell for it. I fell for all the lies and without thinking of it, never challenged or questioned my proficiency with them. I'm sure Mia's been aware, but felt it better off this way, barely able to tap into those psychic abilities.

    Come to think of it, I remember reading, that when espeon used their psychic abilities, the red gems on their foreheads are meant to glow. Mine has never given off much of anything, but I believe i brushed it aside as a part of my body that didn't work as told in these stories. That it was an ornament. Perhaps, focusing in on that part could be a start in realizing my potential.
    Last edited by Sou; Yesterday at 05:59 PM.
    "Like the sea? Want to sail across the ocean to the end of days? Want to bring prosperity to the world?"
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  10. #40
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    Entry #039 Realization pt. 3

    It feels a little strange to admit it, but I attempted to channel... something into my forehead with little luck or rather any at all. I could feel a warmth there at some point, which I doubt less was psychic energy and more of the building frustration of learning to do this. In a sense, it feels as though I'm starting from square one, similar to how things were in high school. The only difference is that there are no peers or teachers to help me through it or at least learn how to tap into them. There are books for me to study, but nothing beats one on one help when it comes to technical or latent abilities. It's even possible that those very powers may well be sealed, but without being able to locate where they exist within my own space, it may as well not exist.

    To make matters worse, to ask for help, from the only place I have knowledge of, would invite suspicion and I could possibly be brought in for questioning and reexamination. I've been aware of such things happening, but typically ignored them as I always felt I was doing nothing terribly wrong. I turned in my reports, did missions and appeared to 'behave' as a civilized being. I use to take great pride in such things. A fool I was and I'm only glad I didn't live my whole life believing honeyed words and lies. But that's mostly all behind me now. The way forward, while unclear, is sure to come to me in time and in doing so, probably change the person I am today.
    Last edited by Sou; Yesterday at 06:00 PM.
    "Like the sea? Want to sail across the ocean to the end of days? Want to bring prosperity to the world?"
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