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Thread: Ayyyyy Weir's second story

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    Default Ayyyyy Weir's second story

    Hello there! My name is Weir and this is my second submission for URPG. I’m writing this one for my first friend I made day one, and I hope that this story pleases her, since her favorites are ghost and ice types! Thanks!
    (PS @OrigamiDragons I already started writing this before you told me to aim higher so sorry xP)
    Target: Spheal
    Rank: Simple (5-10k)

    A deep haze spread through the woods and felt as if crawling up Brandon’s body as he trekked through Oki Woods, and Brandon felt a chill go down his spine. Unfortunately, the woods were his only direct way to the main city, and he had insisted on going that night, instead of waiting for the ferry in the morning that would get him there in two days. Brandon knew he had to go now, and that any second he wasted was another moment in which- He banished the thought as he rounded the corner…

    …and tripped as the most recent branch stretched a little too far into Brandon’s path. He cursed, but quickly regained his composure. How he wished for a road! The Oki Woods, however, would offer him no such commodity, and so on Brandon trekked, stopping every few moments to check his Pokedex for the map. He was lucky that the Pokedex even got signal where he was, but he didn’t question his one good fortune, for fear of it being snatched away like his balance by the branches.

    As if on cue, his Pokedex displayed a warning: NO SIGNAL. Brandon sighed, but was glad he had gotten at least a faint idea of where he was going. He bent down to tie his old, worn gray tennis shoes; they had served him very well in this trial, but he was sure he would need to requisition a new pair after all he’d been through. Noticing a drop in the temperature, and feeling the goosebumps rise like tiny needles, he reached into his pack and unearthed a plain green jacket. Putting it on, he felt a short respite from the cold- and then it hit him. The slow crawl of freezing air intensified into a sharp blast that nearly knock Brandon off his feet. Luckily, he was tall enough to grab a nearby tree branch instead of unceremoniously landing on his bottom, but it was a small victory, for now Brandon could hear them- voices, where only the darkness and the woods had been before.

    Brandon started running. It was fortunate for him that he had some practical sense, as he had picked a direction both towards his goal and away from the voices that terrorized his thoughts. He ran and he ran, and finally reached a clearing where he couldn’t hear them anymore. He stopped to catch his breath, one hand on his stomach while another ran through his short black hair; petting his hair relaxed him a bit, and finally he regained his composure. He kept running it through his head- the voices, the chill, and the path he had taken in his flight. Somehow, after the initial calm, he wasn’t scared anymore; rather, he was intrigued at whatever it had been. Some part of him was telling him to go on, that he needed to go to the city, but some inexplicable part… needed to go back. He decided. He would go back, check it out for a very short time, and then be back on his way as soon as possible. Reasoning this was the smartest course of action, Brandon headed back into the belly of the forest.

    It took Brandon quite a while to make it back to where he had first heard the voices. He both marveled and
    blasted his running prowess. He scoured the area, hoping to find the source of the earlier cries, or at least something to prove that they had existed at all. He wondered if perhaps the woods had gotten to him, and he was simply an easy target because of how much he was worrying, when he felt the frigid wind again; only this time, there were no voices, save one in his ear. “Help, please,” a soft voice whispered into Brandon’s ear, it’s glacial breath nearly freezing Brandon’s ear. Brandon slowly turned and came face to face with the image of a lovely woman, surrounded in an aura of rimy air. Brandon stood dumbfounded, staring, until he noticed that the more he looked, the more the mysterious lady’s form changed, until he stood face to face with the pokemon Froslass.

    She looked at him, entreating with helpless blue eyes, her small red sash billowing behind her. It took Brandon a while but he finally croaked, “Help you? How?” and as if on cue Brandon heard a small yelp. Froslass stepped aside to show an injured Spheal, obviously in pain. Brandon processed and then understood what Froslass wanted him to do: take this Spheal to be healed, for Froslass could not do it on her own. Brandon gingerly scooped and cradled the small round Spheal in his arms. Once he was sure it was comfortable, he turned back to Froslass- but she had vanished, as had the cold, leaving him alone with the injured seal pokemon. Brandon stared out longingly, but quickly realizing the gravity of not getting Spheal help in time, he turned and briskly marched towards the city, whose lights he could dimly see in the distance.

    Arriving finally in the city, he rushed to the Pokemon Center, eager to get Spheal the attention it needed, and to check on his own companion: his Charmeleon had been sick for weeks, and he desperately wanted to be by its side. To his infinite relief, he learned that his Charmeleon had taken a turn for the better in the last hour, and that the Spheal would be taken in for care immediately. Brandon plopped into a chair in the Center, eagerly waiting for more good news, but constantly thinking of his time in the forest, and of the eerie voices. And of Froslass…
    Last edited by weirlind120; 01-31-17 at 03:21 AM.
    Abras are so cute!
    Joined URPG 1/28/2017!
    Competitive Showdown player
    TEAM A.C.T. ALL THE WAY



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  3. #2
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    Claim :ok_hand:
    the bag scares me

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    LENGTH


    It’s all good here. 5.1k~ words.


    GRAMMAR


    Again, I could find no mistakes here, which is very impressive!


    CHARACTERS/DESCRIPTION


    You gave a decent enough description of Brandon for a simple rank. Good job! A lot of the writers here forget to describe their main character.


    The only problem here is the description of everything else. Spheal and frosslass were never described. They are important enough characters in the story and have a large enough role to merit their own description. You could have added in bits and pieces, such as:


    Froslass stepped aside to show an injured Spheal, obviously in pain. It’s dark blue skin was turning a greenish color while its fang was broken in half.

    Things like this just add so much more livelihood! I know you can do MUCH better at descriptions after reading your first story. Origami had nothing but good things to say in the descriptions section.


    STORY


    Overall, your story is nice. Kid finds injured Pokémon, healed, friends. Done. You just forgot that last part. The story ended abruptly. Brandon stays at the Pokémon center. What happens after? Does the spheal stay with him? Does the spheal go back to the forest. Overall, I don’t think spheal had a large enough role in this story. Adding a more precise ending will definitely help that.


    OUTCOME


    Spheal not captured. I’m sorry, but spheal just wasn’t a large enough character in the story to merit a capture. Work on adding a more rounded out ending and I’ll take a look at it again!
    Last edited by Menegoth; 02-28-17 at 09:25 PM.
    the bag scares me

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    Hello there! Below I include revisions, as well as an addendum to my previous story, in which I would like to catch Snorunt please! Thank you!
    Target: Snorunt
    Rank: Snorunt: Medium (10-20k)
    A deep haze spread through the woods and felt as if crawling up Brandon’s body as he trekked through Oki Woods, and Brandon felt a chill go down his spine. Unfortunately, the woods were his only direct way to the main city, and he had insisted on going that night, instead of waiting for the ferry in the morning that would get him there in two days. Brandon knew he had to go now, and that any second he wasted was another moment in which- He banished the thought as he rounded the corner…
    …and tripped as the most recent branch stretched a little too far into Brandon’s path. He cursed, but quickly regained his composure. How he wished for a road! The Oki Woods, however, would offer him no such commodity, and so on Brandon trekked, stopping every few moments to check his Pokedex for the map. He was lucky that the Pokedex even got signal where he was, but he didn’t question his one good fortune, for fear of it being snatched away like his balance by the branches.
    As if on cue, his Pokedex displayed a warning: NO SIGNAL. Brandon sighed, but was glad he had gotten at least a faint idea of where he was going. He bent down to tie his old, worn gray tennis shoes; they had served him very well in this trial, but he was sure he would need to requisition a new pair after all he’d been through. Noticing a drop in the temperature, and feeling the goosebumps rise like tiny needles, he reached into his pack and unearthed a plain green jacket. Putting it on, he felt a short respite from the cold- and then it hit him. The slow crawl of freezing air intensified into a sharp blast that nearly knocked Brandon off his feet. Luckily, he was tall enough to grab a nearby tree branch instead of unceremoniously landing on his bottom, but it was a small victory, for now Brandon could hear them- voices, where only the darkness and the woods had been before.
    Brandon started running. It was fortunate for him that he had some practical sense, as he had picked a direction both towards his goal and away from the voices that terrorized his thoughts. He ran and he ran, and finally reached a clearing where he couldn’t hear them anymore. He stopped to catch his breath, one hand on his stomach while another ran through his short black hair; petting his hair relaxed him a bit, and finally he regained his composure. He kept running it through his head- the voices, the chill, and the path he had taken in his flight. Somehow, after the initial calm, he wasn’t scared anymore; rather, he was intrigued at whatever it had been. Some part of him was telling him to go on, that he needed to go to the city, but some inexplicable part… needed to go back. He decided. He would go back, check it out for a very short time, and then be back on his way as soon as possible. Reasoning this was the smartest course of action, Brandon headed back into the belly of the forest.
    It took Brandon quite a while to make it back to where he had first heard the voices. He both marveled and blasted his running prowess. He scoured the area, hoping to find the source of the earlier cries, or at least something to prove that they had existed at all. He wondered if perhaps the woods had gotten to him, and he was simply an easy target because of how much he was worrying, when he felt the frigid wind again; only this time, there were no voices, save one in his ear. “Help, please,” a soft voice whispered into Brandon’s ear, it’s glacial breath nearly freezing Brandon’s ear. Brandon slowly turned and came face to face with the image of a lovely woman, surrounded in an aura of rimy air. Brandon stood dumbfounded, staring, until he noticed that the more he looked, the more the mysterious lady’s form changed, until he stood face to face with the pokemon Froslass.
    Froslass was quite the spectral beauty. She floated about at the height of Brandon, and was shrouded in a chilled mist that bit right to Brandon’s core, being so close. Her small white body was accentuated by the red sash around her shadowy waist, and by the decidedly noticeable lack of legs or otherway of standing upright; it was indeed the ghost Pokemon herself. But the most distinct feature Brandon noticed was her eyes: they were a piercing blue, and gave the feeling that they knew everything there was to know about Brandon, his life, and everything around him. He felt entranced, and couldn’t have looked away in that moment even if he wanted to.
    She looked at him, entreating with those helpless blue eyes, her small red sash billowing carefree behind her, like a tiny flag. It took Brandon an infathomable amount of time, but he finally croaked, “Help you? How?” and as if on cue Brandon heard a small yelp. Froslass stepped aside to show an injured Snorunt, obviously in pain. The small shivering Snorunt was pale, and had a large gash in the side of its signature snow hat. It limped forward a little at the cue from Froslass, but didn’t look like it was going far. Brandon processed and then understood what Froslass wanted it to do: take this Snorunt to be healed, for Froslass could not do it on her own. Brandon gingerly scooped and cradled the small shivering Snorunt in his arms. Once he was sure she was comfortable, he turned back to Froslass- but she had vanished, as had the cold, leaving him alone with the injured snow hat pokemon. Brandon stared out longingly, but quickly realizing the gravity of not getting Snorunt help in time, he turned and briskly marched towards the city, whose lights he could dimly see in the distance.
    Arriving finally in the city, he rushed to the Pokemon Center, eager to get Snorunt the attention she needed, and to check on his own companion: his Charmeleon had been sick for weeks, and he desperately wanted to be by its side. To his infinite relief, he learned that his Charmeleon had taken a turn for the better in the last hour, and that the Snorunt would be taken in for care immediately. Brandon plopped into a chair in the Center, eagerly waiting for more good news, but constantly thinking of his time in the forest, and of the eerie voices. And of Froslass…

    Through the brush they trekked. Brandon was pretty used to it, if only through muscle memory, but his returning companions were not. Charmeleon seemed to trip on every branch, and while Snorunt seemed to fare better (Brandon assumed she had walked through the forest with Froslass, though he wasn’t too sure when they had come to be together) but between the sealed gash and overall fatigue, he could understand why Snorunt was having problems. Gingerly, he stopped to pick her up and place her on his shoulder. He took a moment to admire his new companion, as she seemed to drift off atop her new perch.
    Snorunt was light, and constantly shivering. She had 12 stiches lining the right side of her fluffed snow hat, but otherwise it was the classic orange hue, with three extremely cute markings in the back, in a semi-triangular pattern; she seemed to enjoy it when Brandon pet her around those imprints. Her small black hands held tightly around the hat, as if holding a coat, though she seemed to enjoy it a lot more the colder it got. The only other things of note were her large grin that she constantly wore, and her blue eyes, that immediately and consistently reminded Brandon of Froslass.
    And in the end, that was the reason for coming back to the woods, where Brandon this time had a fully charged Pokedex and not anywhere close to as much panic as his first excursion. Snorunt had been eager to come with him, not to return ultimately to the forest, but to go and see where Froslass had been and maybe see if it could say goodbye, as Snorunt had firmly decided to accompany the benevolent Trainer that had rescued her those few nights ago.
    Finally, with Charmeleon crashing through, they came to the clearing where Brandon had met with Froslass. Brandon stepped out, past the tripping Charmeleon, and took a look around. He could feel the cool air before even stepping into the clearing, but once inside it was on a whole different level. He had to pull up his jacket as Snorunt became visibly happier at the icy development, and began to wander around, thoroughly enjoying the cold air.
    After about an hour of playtime for Snorunt, and an hour of searching by Brandon and Charmeleon for any sign of the dissipated Froslass, Brandon decided it would be best to go on. As he turned to leave, he heard a shrill cry from Snorunt, and turned to come face to face, yet again, with the freezing aura of Froslass, looking at him with those same eyes, but this time with a more playful and inquisitive look, rather than the somber stare of a frantic Pokemon in need. Brandon had no idea what to say, but he didn’t need to; Froslass seemed to know exactly what he wanted to say and more, as a small laugh told him. Snorunt greeted her savior, and Froslass floated down to pet her on the marking on her snow hat. Snorunt uttered a small cry of happiness, but it was shortlived, as Froslass pulled away and looked at them both one last time. Then, as if it had never happened at all, they were alone.
    Brandon knelt down to Snorunt. “Don’t you worry; we’ll be okay together. Alright?” Snorunt seemed to enjoy the reassurance from her new Trainer, and so they set out of the forest, onwards to new adventures, with their friend Froslass always in their hearts.
    Abras are so cute!
    Joined URPG 1/28/2017!
    Competitive Showdown player
    TEAM A.C.T. ALL THE WAY



  6. #5
    Menegoth's Avatar
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    Ayy you did what I asked. Don't you see how it takes your story from "eh I'm at the limit" to "hell yeah I'm proud of myself"?
    ​Spheal.......no snorunt captured !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    the bag scares me

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