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Thread: Weir's First catch! First Timer so sorry if the title isn't proper!

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    Gold's Avatar
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    Default Weir's First catch! First Timer so sorry if the title isn't proper!

    Hello there! My name is Weir and I just recently joined the Pokemon URPG community, after watching my girlfriend K’sariya play for a few months. I thought I would make an attempt at my first story, since there’s no time like the present! I haven’t written in 3 years or more so don’t expect too much, but I hope you enjoy!
    Target: Cutiefly
    Rank: Simple (5-10k)
    Total Characters: 6,040

    The sun crested the mountaintop, and illuminated our thin figures in its warm glow. We marched on, exhausted but ever eager to reach our final destination, until we came to an open vale where we decided to rest, to prepare for the task at hand. I saw Vess reach into her pack, and hand me a water bottle with a tired grin full of understanding and warmth. Today was the day I would finally catch a Pokemon! I could barely contain my excitement, and I could tell my two Pokemon companions, Shukuchi and Faust were ready as well. I took a moment to admire my steadfast allies, knowing the crucial role they would have to play in my upcoming capture.

    Shukuchi was, for all intents and purposes, a yellow blur. He loved cuddles and playtime but couldn’t hardly sit still for an instant, which was quite peculiar for Kadabras, which were more known to be quiet, thinking types. When he was an Abra, he would teleport all over the place constantly, ever the seeker of attention, and always able to make me laugh if ever I had a low moment. Somehow, after evolving and gaining 37 kilograms, he seemed even faster and bouncier than ever. I pondered if maybe his Psychic powers were helping him in that regard before banishing those thoughts and turning to my other companion; a good thing, too, for as I looked over I saw Faust shamelessly showing off her Stone Edge to Vess, and very nearly destroying a tree in the process!

    Faust was as brave and headstrong as Shukuchi was caring and hyper, though in Faust’s case this was pretty expected of a Pokemon destined to evolve into a mighty Tyranitar. Faust was especially proud of her horn, and let not a minute go by without showing it to Shukuchi, to myself, to anyone in the nearby vicinity! I couldn’t wait to see how cute and courageous (and vain!) she would be as a full-fledged Tyranitar, but I knew how much she also cared about us and our opinions about her, so I wasn’t too worried about her current shenanigans.

    Seeing that everything was in order, we decided to once more forge on. While walking, neither of my Pokemon liked being inside of their pokeballs, so I allowed them to roam around, as long as they didn’t wander off. Shukuchi floated this way and that, always curious but not having the attention span to be curious about any *one* thing, so off he would flit, from one thing to another, laughing to himself the entire time as he made one small discovery after the next. Faust, however, preferred to carry herself over larger and larger trees and rocks, as if I were competing with her the entire walk.

    This routine walking soon came to an end, as we reached the site of our imminent encounter. We came to the top of a hill and were assaulted with the sweet smell of thousands upon thousands of wildflowers, swaying in the breeze so precariously it was a wonder they hadn’t all followed it. I heard Vess call out to me and meandered over to her, where she was setting up a camp just outside of the meadow. I watched Faust run ahead to help, eager to show how well she could help. Then I noticed something strange; I couldn’t see Shukuchi anywhere. Normally he’d be right along to help with camp as well but he had mysteriously vanished. “Shu, where are you?” I said, not terribly worried but finding it odd at the same time. After waiting 5 minutes I decided to go take a look in the sea of flowers before me, expecting to find him eagerly examining some interesting flower, and unable to hear my call.

    As I trudged along, trying my best not to ruin any of the delightful foliage but finding myself unable to keep all the flowers completely intact, I became slowly more and more worried. Shu had always come back to my side when I called him; his Psychic ability usually allowed him to hear me and respond quickly. Either something had happened or he was too far away… I hastily made my way forward, fearing the former and praying for the latter. And that’s when I very near stumbled over him.

    “Shu! What are you doing out here, didn’t you hear me?” I said, regaining my composure. That instant, I saw what was occupying Shu so much that he couldn’t hear me. A Cutiefly, the very Pokemon I had been seeking to make my first catch, was flitting from flower to flower, somehow ignorant to our presence not 10 feet away. I cursed my bad luck; the plan was for Faust to fight it, since Shu was at a disadvantage. One look at Shu, however, and his look of utter determination and I knew this was the moment. I popped up, and yelled “Go Shu! Use Telekinesis!”

    Shu wasted not a moment, and executed my command nigh immediately. I appreciated how well we worked together before getting back to the job at hand. The Cutiefly was immobile for a short time, but I knew when it was allowed to move again my Kadabra friend would be in serious trouble. It had to end quickly, with a damaging move and a pokeball. Remembering type coverage, I shouted “Shu! Use Shadow Ball!” I was extremely pleased with myself for buying the TM before heading out on our adventure. The move connected, and did the job well: Cutiefly looked ready for capture.

    This was it; time to make or break. I grabbed a pokeball from my backpack and tossed it at the Cutiefly, praying as best I could as it absorbed the pokemon. I held my breath until I heard the amazing Ding! before finally gasping for air. We did it! We actually caught a pokemon! I gathered the ball and gave Shu a look of intense approval and pride before we both sprinted (and levitated) towards the camp.

    When we finally made it back, I could immediately tell Vess knew what had happened. She smiled as she saw the unfamiliar pokeball in my hand, and listened to my story with utmost glee. I could tell Faust was pretty disappointed she couldn’t get in on the action, and felt that we left her out, but a hug and assurance I would take her with us next time and always got her right back into her typical jovial tune. As I laid down to sleep, surrounded by my new friend and my old ones, I couldn’t help but be excited at everything that was to come.
    Last edited by Gold; 01-29-17 at 08:37 AM. Reason: Spacing
    Abras are so cute!
    Joined URPG 1/28/2017!
    Competitive Showdown player

  2. Likes Smiles, ~K'sariya, Menegoth liked this post
  3. #2
    (what a nerd) Origamidragons's Avatar
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    I'll claim this here little story! :) And allow me to say- welcome to URPG Stories!

  4. #3
    (what a nerd) Origamidragons's Avatar
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    First of all, your title is totally fine! You can call stories pretty much whatever you want- for example, my last one was called Glittering.

    Intro: Okay so I tried to write a thing about your intro but it was mostly me rambling about descriptions, so see below for that.

    But your intro is good! Your descriptions are fabulous and do a great job of setting the mood and getting the reader intrigued without giving away too much information. Someone will keep reading because they want to know what comes next. What is this quest they're pursuing?

    The only problem is that you answer that question, rather abruptly, in the middle of the paragraph, instead of drawing the reader along. So I would remove this sentence:

    Today was the day I would finally catch a Pokemon!

    Just to draw out the mystery a little more.

    Plot: Pretty standard plot, here: person goes out into the woods, finds Pokémon, and captures it. This is about normal for lower-ranked stories, and it's absolutely fine for them! But you're a really good writer, and I'd love to see you go for higher ranks! I think you could absolutely jump up to Medium or Hard stories, although I do need to warn you that you'll need to get a bit more creative with your plots at that point.

    I do like that you added a bit of a frame story around this- they're up in the mountains, and it's implied that they're on some sort of mission. Just that adds an interesting layer to an often-used story.

    Grammar: No big, consistent typos, so you're good here- although I did catch two small comma mistakes, because commas suck and are confusing.

    First of all:

    and I could tell my two Pokemon companions, Shukuchi and Faust were ready as well.

    You want a comma after Faust, because 'Shukuchi and Faust' is interrupting the other phrase, and you want to set the two apart.


    I popped up, and yelled “Go Shu! Use Telekinesis!”

    If you have a sentence with both dialogue and not-dialogue, you separate them with a comma. So you would have one after 'yelled.'

    Description: I LOVE YOU AND HERE IS WHY:

    A lot of people, especially on their first stories, will forgo description almost entirely in the first two ranks. Technically this is okay, because a whole lot of description isn't strictly required for a capture in those ranks. However, description just makes everything so much prettier! And you did an awesome job of it! Let me look at the very first line of your story:

    The sun crested the mountaintop, and illuminated our thin figures in its warm glow.

    You use this instead of something simpler and more boring, like 'the sun came up,' and it's awesome. We immediately, right off the bat, have a nice clear image and a mood to go with it. There's another example of your descriptions that I really loved:

    and hand me a water bottle with a tired grin full of understanding and warmth.

    I don't even know what Vess looks like, but I can still picture this perfectly. It's great. You're awesome at descriptions. Now, use those descriptions for your characters! Your two human characters never really get any firm description, which is a bit of a problem, especially for your main character. We always want an idea of what the main character looks like.

    Length: Yup! You're good. Totally within the bounds for a Simple ranked story.

    And... Cutiefly is caught! Yep, this hits all the requirements for a Simple story, with some truly awesome descriptions, and I'd love to see more from you here in the stories section! Welcome to URPG!

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