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    this is gonna have more parts than star wars i s2g. have an album to get you through the saga

    Spoiler:

    part 1 lets go

    apply for the grant

    that's what i like to see, some GREAT AMAZING news to get this convo popping! I'm glad mama smiles' surgery went well and I wish her a speedy recovery (if it was to do with broken bones/joints, get her to drink lots of fresh pineapple juice!) It can't have been easy for you to handle and im sure she appreciated having you just being there with her to help her through it. older brother i'm guessing? from the sound of it you had quite the surprise after the stress of your finals and getting turnt up to 11 partying from 11pm-11am, so i can't imagine how happy you were to just vibe with em for a bit. one big smiling family...if y'all were a mons species what would you all be? ps there's only 4 correct answers.

    Flattery will get you places Smiles, keep it coming. but gnostic...not so much. people came in and came out completely changed. i think those who came in and out only intrigued but hungry for more would take more out of it. the road to life and success is lonely because people usually give up halfway and turn back. when they see people on the road with them it'll encourage them to travel onwards and explore the off-beaten track; they'll come back with more stories to tell and when they do arrive at the destination it'll be all the more sweeter

    "lurid: presented in vividly shocking or sensational terms." the speech you use makes you sound like a walking pride and prejudice book and I love you for it. you seem like the type to reach out to as many people as you could; got so many hands you be making vishnu jealous, i hope you managed to settle all your licentious engagements in a tantalizingly lively fashion that left no one disappointed ;) oh that's right you bounced before she joined. tl;dr i am 1 of 2 black ppl she knew so i get asked a lot of questions (my fave was can black ppl smile. i told her we're genetically incapable of smiling and she believed me until i put her out of her misery on Christmas) and upon learning how awesome we are she started shipping me with everything. people, members, characters, celebrities. she wrote me a poem after 2 months which threw me off. too cute and i really appreciated that. what a dream that would be! just you and him/her/it standing by a sandy shore, the ocean inviting you into its womb with a soft ripple, past your ears to your toes. you hold each other and look into each others souls, not even noticing the water up to your waists. a baptism of a new life as you entered as 2 but leave as one. OOOOO you liked it yes i win I thought you might! mate...the past 2 weeks has been too on point for music. So many bangers: JMSN, Skepta, Chance the Rapper, Kaytranada. Literally spent like an hour just spamming german girl with songs, the ol' "dw 1 more song after these 30!" flex and she really liked the song you posted so +1 there!

    when things like this happen i imagine it a bit like...you're you and you're observing your past selves talk. like a flashback. is that what you remember our convos to be like? 2013!noir must've been some kind of magician. I'll tell you what i remember though: looooooooooong messages. i would say a sentence which you would reply to with a paragraph, only to be countered with 3 paragraphs by me. you wouldn't take that lying down and try to strike the finishing blow with a page response and i mustered everything I had to write the final chapter with a 3 page VM assault. eventually we were both duking it out with 3 semi-dissertations in VM form damn near every day, neither of us giving an inch. Dave was upset because "you and smiles write SO MUCH how am i supposed to stalk your vm wall like this" and rumours started flying in staffland. fun times. tbh i wasn't gonna holla @ you at all since i was still "hmm is this her or not and will she even remember" but i got convinced. glad i went through it.

    daydreaming is the best procrastination tool and i really needed to stop. during feb/march i had a dream journal that I would fill out and it was cool a) actually being able to remember my dreams for once and b) seeing recurring people or themes pop up and what they could mean. When your subconscious talks you should listen. Smiles, I think the 4 things we all share are death, taxes, emotions and music. in every single culture on earth, be it human or animal you can find evidence of the last two. its exactly because they shape everything around us and are so ingrained into our very self that it's so complex to define. how would you explain to someone why you just breathe or just walk who's never done it before. interpretations float up from our imagination and take form and of course everyone's will differ. its unique that its something we all share yet all see differently. have you always felt this emotional and empathetic or was there an event that triggered your journey to become the person you are as you type your reply? You can answer that question and the this one better than I can but sometimes I think its a burden to be expected to be constantly happy, like.. that's your thing and that's what people know you for and for you to suddenly be like "ayo fuck life brb youtube in bed for 4 years" and some people don't try to understand why, they just jump to resisting change and getting you to the happy person you've always been, not knowing that it's hurting you so much that you feel as you do now

    when you described your feeling of depression as burning and fully illuminated, do you know what it reminded me of? I pictured you had just walked onto a Broadway stage dazed and confused as you guided the spotlight off your eyes. still exposed. you had no idea what you were doing on stage, how could you? but of course, the director and the audience doesn't know this, all they see is a confused girl who's failing to put on a show. so they talk. whispers are the worse, the silent hissing floating past your ears in a language you once spoke yet can no longer understand. murmurs. voices. these reached your ears and they were in a language you could understand: doubt. I mean, the customer is always right, right? right. they know better, so best to take what they say and let it set root and just do nothing......it's a spiral of a negative feedback loop. I wonder if you realized how powerful, how strong you were and the importance of what you did when you asked yourself those questions?

    On that stage, with the critical eyes on you and the illuminating spotlight bearing all, don't see yourself as the person on the spotlight. that's a projection of your self. and if it's a projection, where's the real smiles? the real smiles is an actor on the stage and the writer of the scenery along with the director who is directing you as the actor in the performance currently on stage. and as the director, the screenwriter and the actor you can change the play to your whim, one act at a time. we see things in a linear A-B fashion when it's more complex than that, and none of those paths are blocked off. It's an act. When you surrender to emotion, how do you deal with the negative emotions that accompany the good? It must open new levels of vulnerability for you and I think that's scary to surrender to totally, would you still say that's a good thing?

    apply for the grant Smiles. You're blasian ye? the expression mama noir told me comes to mind right about now: "you have to work twice as hard to be half as good as them." you recognise the way the world is and you're aware of what that entails, but it doesn't mean you have to accept it. fuck society. you're not ungrateful in the slightest. your mum risked her life to see y'all flourish in america but if the soil you've been raised on has conditioned you to wrongly think you're not capable then you're not flourishing. you're just growing and the weeds are trying to pull you back in. and it's working. You KNOW you won't get it? show me your evidence that no matter what you do, no matter how much you try that you won't get it 100%. I'll wait and when you do I'll apologise for this paragraph, but since that day will never come I'll grab the popcorn and make myself comfortable.

    Do you believe you can go for this grant? Trick question, you know the answer. Think about it. Introspection can give way to analysis paralysis. the safety net of your mind in place of action. Would a normal person rise to this occasion and take the chance, in spite of this so called cruel mercy? In spite of society's conditioning? Sorry smiles, but if you're a normal person you don't. It won't happen. You don't have the desire, drive or determination.

    That's not you though. After all, there's no other way to be but being wholly yourself. The smiles who shoots higher up on the ladder not for material satisfaction or the destination but for the journey, the challenge. I know the ability exists within you, and if it does, all you have to do is let it come out. Give yourself permission to aspire for higher. Let yourself be the better person. Breathe, and go forth, and rise above the level of the weeds acting like crabs in a bucket. Embrace success and not fear it like so many of your peers entrenched in society's cruel mercy do. They'll hate you for it. But it would be a lot worse if you were accepted as one of them.

    What's your other option?

    Your other option is to give up and be the smiles that never lept


    ...but that's not a real option. That's surrender.
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    I spy a Smiles :>
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    aw thank you Smiles! :>
    ilu2 ; v;
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    Heyo. Long time no see Smiles!

    It's been rough, though I'm (mostly) done. We had finals last week, but I only finished three out of my four classes. I missed a week of class towards the end of the semester due to a bad case of the flu, so I'm working on wrapping up my stats class at home for the next two weeks or so. Hopefully when that's all said and done, I can start to enjoy some normal foruming again.

    How are you doing?
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    Tagalog/Filipino is too low priority of a language, other schools would probs invest in other Asian languages :P

    I might do some research about it though, assuming I'm actually doing it XD I just have to learn how to describe the members, because I'm not really good with stuff like that XD I'm gonna ask help from the other fans lol

    I think it's quite similar with other countries?? Subjects alternate per day, TTh and WF classes and all that. AND YEEES THE SEM'S ENDING! I just have to write one more paper, present this lesson plan thingy, write two poems and a short story for the Creative Writing class, and Korean finals!! asdasfas /hype altho the paper one is kinda scary because the prof sent us a letter warning us about plagiarism and I'm worried my paper is guilty ;-; tho im sure its not and I've cited my sources and checked it online but I'm paranoid lol

    Was just talking about my story, which Felly graded woot! I was wondering because my story was really experimental, with drabbles and aesthetic disarrangement XDD but it worked out fine~~~
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    sorry, i am responding but this a long message and exams and urgh xD I'll get there soon hopefully
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    We did it!!!! We survived omg. you are going to be so old. is salty senior a thing or is that just chaus being chausish?

    working in a very similar place to last time! it's actually super fun + it's in town so I get to chill with my high school friends + schmooze off the parentals for free rent ahahah going oc next year it's gonna be a blast :')
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    Thank You!
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    I probs won't continue Korean 12-13 (atm its Korean 10-11, 2 units!) because my curriculum checklist only requires me to get Korean 10-11, but if I want to continue (and spend tuition for those units), then I can apply for 12-13 XD but pfft that means extra academic workload and I'm extremely lazy :P jk and yes I've heard that it was actually true I heard an anecdote about a foreign priest who stayed in this country and after sometime he started dreaming in Filipino OMGGG

    I have the idea, im thinking of EXO being the other part of the crossover and the story will be based on the Doppelganger theory, but I don't have any motivation to write :O plus I have uni work so that's throwing the story out of the window XD (but im thinking of writing it drabbles-style just like in my This Is Love story [AND WHY IS NOBODY CLAIMING IT WHERE THE GRADERS AT] but i dunno if that would pass at all XD what do you think? (: )
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    awwwwsh thank you spent it doing finals now free at last~~~
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About Smiles

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