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&watchingyougrow~

tonight, i'm walking on air

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Since PWN has blogs and whatnot now, I'm going to start utilizing these instead of the diaries. I'll probably end up moving things over from my old blog over to this one over time. We'll see what happens in the near future. In the meantime, I hope you're all enjoying the new blog feature~!

But ugh, life. School is just stressing me out. I'm failing Geography and I know it. She hasn't shown us our grades yet, and I'm going to ask Tuesday just because I kinda need to know so I can see where to improve. I'm gonna need to do fucking amazing on the next test in order to pass the course. I'm shooting for a C in the course, and if I can get that, I'll be happy. I'm doing well in everything else this semester, just that course is particularly stressful. It's not helping that I'm doing my transfer application in the coming months, and I don't want a D or an F on my transcript. :( Striving for straight As my last semester at the school though, so I'm super excited for that.

Boyfriend is being... boyfriend. I don't even know anymore. I'm torn on how to feel right now, and this was kind of the whole reason why I wanted to write this because I feel like putting my feelings on paper (or rather a computer screen) would help matters out a bit. I'm just... confused on how to feel. It's more of a me problem rather than a him problem, and I know it's me because I'm the kind of person that over complicates things or over thinks things and it's frustrating sometimes. I'll get upset over something so silly and I won't fully understand why, and I'm just overly emotional. Suffice it to say, my astrological sign of Cancer describes me pretty well. (Usually the simplest thing can frustrate me and just cause me to blow up emotionally because I'm stressed about ten other things and I just blow up and snap and it's not pretty. :x) I'm the kind of person who wants a relationship to last for a long time, not just some silly fling. I can say I love him, I couldn't lie about that. Even getting frustrated at him for something so silly upsets me because I get a little scared that maybe he'll get tired of it and just want to end it. I'm happy, of course, but it feels like I don't look forward to anything anymore. Like I used to look forward to our calls because I'd get to see him and hear him talk, and it was wonderful and perfect, and I'd get frustrated of course, but I still had something to look forward to. Part of me wanted to just give up so I don't get hurt, but I feel like doing that is just going to hurt me more than it would help me. I told myself earlier I'd wait until after his birthday to give up because I don't have the balls to do that to him on his birthday, but thinking about it now, I couldn't give up because I'd go running right back; he hasn't done a thing wrong, it's just me being stupidly complicated and stupidly emotional and stupidly over thinking everything ever. Maybe it's just not having anything to look forward to: no call, no possibility of playing a game together or something, none of that besides knowing when I'd be able to talk to him again. It used to be that I wouldn't talk to him if I'd gone somewhere with my mom, that we'd go hours without speaking to each other. Maybe I just need to throwback to that until I can find that thing I can look forward to more regularly. It's gonna be hard, obviously, but it might actually help.

Wow, okay, putting my thoughts out on the proverbial paper actually does help. Awesomesauce. I should try doing that more often. Gonna go back and play Minecraft now since I think I'm all writing'd out for the time being. It's NaNoWriMo season, & I'm gonna try and finish that this year among all the schoolwork and emotional stress I'm facing right now. Gonna try and prioritize things and get loads of work done on weekends, both for PWN and for NaNoWriMo and for school and for everything really. Minecraft's kinda sucked me back in since the Bulbachat got a new server, so I'm going to try and limit myself to it unless I've finished a daily word count goal for NaNoWriMo (which I'm already behind on, by the way, so I have to hit day two's word count goal at a minimum before I even consider playing Minecraft again tomorrow) plus a PWN related thing plus a weekly project focus thing plus any school work I have to do that's due the next day. Also gonna start working on this Geography final project I need to have ready in early December. Probably going to type up information for the articles I have so I can print one out & show it to her to make sure it's right and everything. I need to crack down on my work and get my priorities in line too.

I'm a hot mess right now. @[email protected] I think I'm just gonna write things down on sticky notes that I need to do, and when I finish one, I'll write stuff for NaNoWriMo, and then I'll do other things and then hopefully be less of a hot mess before Thanksgiving. @[email protected] I'd love to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without being hella stressed or anything like that, hnnnng.
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  1. ray_quazaa's Avatar
    We should have a place to submit nanowrimo's! :D
  2. Mistral's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by ray_quazaa
    We should have a place to submit nanowrimo's! :D
    We do! It's called Creative Works! xD